.in your alchemy.

A prayer through song
A truth sought and found.


i have an aversion twards the music in the american contemporary church.
the lack of words that convey the depth to which i long, feel, and am desperate for Him.
the lack of words in those songs that catch me where i am and say more perfectly
than i could- how I need and love this incredible God.
i own not a single "worship" cd- but when i want to worship in my car i listen to josh garrels, mumford, manchester, jon foreman, rk, or dcb on the rare ocaision.
it is a beautiful and difficult thing for me to find the perfect song that relays the passion i have for Him at weight that my words need to have.

saturday morning my friend fab wanted dougnuts- so we got in her cougar and drove to marsh down the street- and she turned on the worship cd her boyfriend had made her. as soon as she prefaced it- my opinion was made up... "worship" cd... how "sweet". but it was more. this song came on.
this song was number one.

and it stole me away.

this song is exactly the worship i have right now.
just a prayer. the only prayer in me. from me. as of late.

and so i've found one.
another rare and perfect song for my heart to sing to my Lord.
another song that reaches deep  to deep.

.i'll wait.

i feel like i am looking up from underneath the tidal waves.
waiting to be pulled deeper.
all i see is pain.
when does Jesus' love start to count?
when does it make up for anything?

what do i want?

I want Him to say it to my face.
If You're the great and powerful and mighty God that I've  been worshiping-
You can do anything you want.

SO TELL ME.
speak to me, i beg of you.
save me.
If you love me- come save me.

Hold me tonight.
I want to feel your breath on my neck.





If you're so real- come be real to me.


If You love me- make me feel it.
i want to feel it.
Show me Your heart for me.

Touch me.
I have loved You.
I'll wait.

(i know that this is horrible. that i would so boldly ask You the Lord God of gods- King of Kings- that I would so stupidly and selfishly demand something more than you have already given me- which is abundant life, but if I'm being honest...right now I don't care. i come to you like all of the blind ancestors before me and i ask you to make an exception to the rule. i ask you to come lay with me. i need you now. i need you to be here now. i am a poor excuse for a servant- a dog laying at your feet and i plead with you to make yourself real to me- for i am at a loss. i apologize for being so... ungrateful, i just really need you to hug me.)

.tell Him.

no one is going to come and save me.
this i am more than aware of.
if He is in me shouldn't i be full of joy? peace? kindness? anything of that sort.
shouldn't i be filled with life?
love?
maybe I have never loved You.
but i had no doubts until today.
would i be so alone- so unlovely if you were in me?
if I loved you- wouldn't i believe that I'll make it through tomorrow.
wouldn't I believe?
if to love you is to suffer- maybe i should've been a Buddhist or something..
my pain tolerance is subpar


i can be in a room with anyone i love and
i can give nothing.
i have nothing.
i can give them no smile or hug or word or laugh that will be honest.
because if i'm being honest...
this didn't end after 4 days at the anderson center and a new medication.
this didn't end after a couple days off work.
it lingers.
i have nothing to give.


i don't know how to get out of this.
it's not like anyone thinks.
my friend took me to lunch today.
she sat and spoke.
and i loved that it wasnt a one way conversation.
she always has more going on then she speaks.
she explained things- she explained that she didn't know.
and she asked me a question that i didn't know how to answer.
but when my rambling concluded- this is what it boiled down to...

i'm so sad.
deeply. deeply...
it feels like God can't even fill this void, where-ever He is (right here, i'm sure).
and I can't make anyone feel good- not genuinely.
i can't love anyone with Christ's love right now.
i've got nothing.

don't tell me.

This is okay.
It'll be okay.
God must really have big things planned.

don't tell me.
don't tell me anything.
tell Him to be here.
tell Him to rescue me, if He will.
tell Him to come say it to my face.

ID LIKE TO FEEL HIS LOVE.
don't tell me.
tell Him..

.i don't care- i just need you here.

when did i lose myself again?
when did my head go under water?
when did i let it overtake me?

i'm not treading.
i'm fully submerged.

i'm alone.

"and ill stand up- and i keep my mouth shut"

i don't believe it.
i don't believe He loves me.
i don't believe He is here.
Where are you.
Where is He?
You tell me He is in me and around me.
You're right, my head knows it.
You're right- i've felt it before.
He doesn't seem good anymore.
He doesn't seem good.
And i seem alone.

Everything is wrong.
Don't ask me what I want.
Don't ask me what I need.

I don't care. I just need Him here.

I'd like a week of sleep.
Then to wake up on an Island with Jesus and have Him hold me as I weep.
I try to push it away.
Laugh with my friends.
Smile.
How are you? I'm good. How are you?
How are you doing? Fine. How are you?
Try harder. Try harder.
This is when I run.
This is when i run.
Come find me God.
I don't care- I just need you here.
I can't think past this night- tomorrow overwhelms me.



You can't understand.
And neither can I.
There's something that happens in any other place.

.deluded.

Most days if I could excommunicate this girl I would.
so deeply entangled in the lie that is her reality.
some part of her can give contentment to others, she decieves herself.
some part of her has something to offer, her existence is tragic.
but part of me is fearful that I wouldn’t do it,

i wouldn’t shut her out if given the opportunity

she sucks up all the air in the room.
any emotion felt is expanded upon and ballooned into some distorted veracity.
so much a part of myself-
 to kill her would either snuff out my boldness or drop the bottom out of my insecurity.
my lack of bravery is an odd way to represent us both. 

im terrified that without her delusion-

i'd be potent.

.you fell out.

people call her ophilia,
because that's her name.
they like to say her hair is golden
or honey colored
but she knows just as well
.it's the equivalent of rust.
she steps into rooms
quietly acknowledging the loudness inside of her.
there is no hesitation when it comes to her spirit.
she refuses to be afraid of the roar she inheretly posses,
she gave up apologizing for it years ago.
Alone- she revels in solitude. devouring blank pages, canvases, sound waves.
Together- she adores soaking up those around her.
Not allowing them to sink in- but soak.

.it swells.

 

.sometimes you almost feel like the beautiful woman of God you always hoped you were. it's like you see a glimpse of who you always dreamt you could be. and for a moment you believe it's possible. it's that fraction of a second where the relief (of finally seeing the beauty inside you being represented) swells. then it's gone. but you're glad it isn't always this way, or you tell yourself that. because if you always saw or could feel this tiny bit of beauty it wouldn't mean as much to you. so you read and re-read 1 peter 3:3-5 

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves."

.and then you pray. you pray that He will change you. or give people eyes to see your spirit instead of your body. you knock on the door, having realized the person that you are, knowing that the only beautiful thing in you is your God. you knock on the door and ask for anything more beautiful than yourself, anything quiet and gentle. and the only thing that you want is Christ.

.and the only thing you want. .is Christ.

.and all that comes with Him.

.capturing damage.

"i want you to be a writer", she said... "you are so good at capturing damage."


You We promised You'd We'd never be like them.
remembering the pain of years spent
picking up and sorting through their mess.
we promised we'd never be like them.
but it's late.
and it's more complicated than we could've imagined.
disregaurding our parents fumbles by
not viewing them as warning signs.
allowing the bruises to be covered with burns.
the tension is high; comforting.
this household, charachterized by the harsh words, hateful tones,
hurts we inflicted, and pain we've aquired.
and somedays, if not everyday
we try and muster up the strength to pray,
Pray that the love that once was.
is still enough.
that we are different.
but i don't know anymore.

are you learning to forget?

i am many things.

i am a liar. i scream "know me!" and "hide me!" in the same breath. 

i am a fool. i excuse acts of debauchery for youth. and i run my mouth as if words have no consequence, just like my actions. 

i am lazy. i'll sleep all day. and when you call me sloth, i'll imagine slapping you instead of getting up to do it.

i am of little faith. one day i'm all in. next hour i've got one foot out the door.

the mystery, 

the mystery that i am often faced with is

when people know me and love me.

when they get me and still love me.

when someone understands me. 

and loves me in spite of myself.

that is my God. that is my Christ.

i am the unlovely. the untouchable.

the ruiner. the least likely. the last place. 

knowing this about myself. 

knowing that i am all of these things.

knowing that i am broken.

i will try so hard, so hard, i promise.

and i will let everyone down. 

my fatal flaw is my nature.

and for that, i apologize.

lately i've been thinking i should warn people when they meet me.
maybe they should sign some sort of waiver- 

it might be easier for you if you avoid me,

it might be easier for you if you shut me out. 

but if you let me in, 

i'll try.

i don't want to be your Savior.

but ill try to love like Him.

ill try to listen with His ears 

and see with His eyes.

just a thought.

my spirit will one day sit on the steps of eternity
and i will have forgotten all that i once was.

.the earth trembles.

Sometimes things are okay.
Okay when nothing feels okay.
Okay when nothing and everything is.

When you stand on a foreign street corner and stare up at the giant Cathedral as the sun bounces off of the golden top and somehow makes the atmosphere feel golden as well. And you ask what cathedral it is and they begin to tell you that the story goes that the Apostle Andrew stood on the hill that the cathedral is now ontop of and prophesied that this city will be a great Christian city, so it's Saint Andrew's Cathedral. And you smile and close your eyes with the golden light warming your face and your soul.
You live out the rest of your day like usual.

and as the night rolls in and you think about it... that feeling seems a figment of your imagination. because now you sit here alone knowing only the pain and strange sadness that you must create for yourself. You pray and say "I know that You are good and that should be enough." and you not so secretly take a breath wishing that the rapture would come and would wait at the exact same second.

.as I travel the land.

I'm sitting on a windowsill in Kiev, "the" Ukraine. It's like 1 am here. I guess our bodies aren't acclimated yet...acclimated, I like that word.

Here I sit- remembering what it was like to be on fire and remembering what it was like to be desperate. I suppose because I deal in such polars as those, this place is different- I'm not cold or Luke warm or numb or any of that- I'm just waiting, actively waiting.

And GOOD LORD it's harder than I would imagine, but I always underestimate everything.

"I know things turn strange, sometimes nobody knows your name"

I know that life can't always be green hills and laughter with friends but that sounds perfect right now. Give me a sunny day with the windows down and good music as well as company and that is my dream right now. we'll stop at a cemetery and eat fruit and smoke cloves. This is what I look forward to when I get back.

I'm going to try and sleep while ignoring the loud cries of beyond tired little children.

"and as I travel the land I don't care where I am if the sun is shining down on me. And I step out my door and give thanks to the Lord for the life that He gave me

I miss friendship. But I love traveling.
i know that this 6 weeks is gonna be crazy good for God to teach me things.
Things of which I have yet to stumble upon or catch wind of.



I'm excited. And Josh Garrels helps, oh how he helps.

.surely we can change.

talk about awkward.

talk about my life.

it's the same exact thing.

the absurdity of it all is only beautiful because of God.

i didn't think this was going to be this hard.

but then again- i never do.

but it's really different to not to be able to quit something.

and i'm thankful for that.

thankful for everything these days.

food tastes better. and days are brighter. (maybe that's just alabama)

i haven't listened to music in three days and the only thing that i find myself humming is 

"and i don't know what to do with a love like that and i don't know how to be a love like that" or "the whole worlds about to change. the whole worlds about to change. the whole worlds about to change" or "have mercy on me oh God according to your unfailing love, according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions" or "i will bring praise i will bring praise no weapon formed against me shall remain. i will rejoice. i will declare- God is my victory and He is here"

and i'm just singing them mindlessly and to know that those are the songs that are in my heart- that is truly wonderful.

i'm borrowing a couple books from my cousin for my journey

"Passion and Purity"and "Intercessor" so we'll see what things unfold and what new growth occurs. I pray for growth.

I'm really trying to accept and embrace the solidarity.

the david crowder song - surely we can change- is the song that i listened to on repeat for the 10 hour bus ride. It hurts my heart and excites me at the exact same time.

talk about exciting.

talk about my life.

it's the exact same thing.

it's gross how blessed i am.

.fire by night.

this song is by josh garrels.
 this is the attitude of worship i want to have forever.
and tommorow. and for this adventure. but mostly forever.

"We are one, every daughter and son
With our forgotten names
We left home on the open road
To find the holy flame
We are the children of a Son King
Hold onto my hand this mysterious evening
It'll meet us like a dream

Call all our names and we'll be found
Walking were we heard the sound, on down
Tomorrow mountain we will climb
Tonight the stars and fire shine
In our eyes
In the woods
We're alive

Cloud by day, and the fire of night
We will never look back
Young and old with a sojourner soul
Illuminate the path

Follow were the moon does shine
Through the leaves of trees above
Wild life, holy night
The ocean is singing of
The earth trembles with his love"

.i can't spell isaiah.

I crawled into bed in an overwhelmed panic the other night.
I always seem to end up with the top of the
sheets at the bottom of my bed by the next day
and i have to correct the problem the next night.
My anxiety was at threat level midnight as I layed there.
I pulled the quilt up to my knees and grabbed my Bible.
And opened it.
This is what I read

“Here is my servant, whom I uphold,
   my chosen one in whom I delight;
I will put my Spirit on him,
   and he will bring justice to the nations.
² He will not shout or cry out,
   or raise his voice in the streets.
³ A bruised reed he will not break,
   and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;
 ⁴ he will not falter or be discouraged
till he establishes justice on earth.
   In his teaching the islands will put their hope.”
                                                  -Isaiah 42 1-4

When I was younger I really used to believe those things.
I even had "he will not falter or be discouraged" underlined.
So I see that I can have faith.
I can trust God. I just have to do it again.
And now is that time..
It's 1:40 am and I leave tommorow and I have so much to do.
But I have peace. I'm not freaking out.
I work best under pressure.
And tonight is the same deal.

He delights in me.
It's a good night.

.men crying, girls being brave.

tonight i layed on my bed with jessica  for hours.
we did the same exact thing before she left for california.
we layed there and talked.
while "i can feel a hot one" played on repeat in the back ground.

we sang. we spoke.
we harmonized.

i tell her things i don't tell people.
not because they don't ask but because they don't lay with me and cry.
i'm vulnerable around her. she is delicate.

she understands me, not in the way that she has me figured out,
but in the way that she knows that my heart is filled with love for her.
and  i know that she feels the same for me.
she talked about seeing a young man cry.
her compassion is always an undertone but she doesn't know or see it.
she spoke about how seeing someones heart can change.

she invites me to a sad place with her voice just like the song does.

her tone warms me to vocalize my fear.
im scared. not of the Ukraine. but of everything.
i'm scared of doing things alone.
i want someone to share the adventure with.
i want someone to share the adventure with.

i wouldn't have known that if i hadn't have said it.
i wish someone would go with me- into the unknown.
someone to explore the ruins and jump in the ocean with.
hand in hand into the abyss.
but I'm going to trust.
this time... it's just me and God.
some personal time.
"Be brave, my sweet" I suppose.

then we reminiced, her memory of course being way better than mine.
thought about blankeys in freezers and jugs of tea and black men and raw deer meat and giant sleep-overs and snow cones and werlitzers and red heads and things. things.

my love for that young woman overwhelms me-
the fact that our God loves her even more than me...
i'm blown away.
the fact that i don't even posses an iota of the love that He feels and is for her- shuts me up.

.badges and badges.

i never realized that i had such a problem with control until right now.
today i took my car in for a check up just to
make sure it could make it to alabama before breaking down.
well it turns out it needs 600 dollars worth of whatever with
the calibrators and brake pads and what not.
yep. i'm supposed to be there tuesday.

(on new years my friends and i played the game of things and the statement was "A car is a lemon if..." and everyone's answers were... "if justine owns it" "if it has a huge dint in the front bumper" "if it hit a boat".
they were so right. SO RIGHT.)

so i'm taking the greyhound.
this shall be an adventure in itself- even before the real adventure is to begin.
the little control that i did have- my car... my freedom- is now non existant.
thinking about it makes me want to throw up.
but i'm facing the fact that i'm just fine.
in two days- everything is gonna change for a bit.
things are beautiful still.
the only thing i'm relying on is God and i'm freaking scared.
i'm going into this blind.
usually i'm not terrified of the unknown-
 usually im okay with bumping into things in the dark.
this is different.
this is different.

.existence.

Smashing their sugar glass spirits
Shattering their stained glass feelings
A clumsy oaf staggering about in a world of delicious fragility.
Can't bump into someone without chipping their finish.
If you shake my hand, I'll more than likely break yours off.
Seems I'm a sledge hammer in this gross candy land.
What was once pristine will be left crushed upon my departure.
In my wake- a cemetery of sugar coated memories.



-yep.

.groundhog's day.

i laughed a lot tonight.
and a 7 year old did my make-up.
she blesses me in more ways than I can count.
more and more i see.
there are just those people who make you feel less alone.
God does that. He puts those people in place.
She's one.

as i walked through her loft and looked at the artwork displayed
one thing really stuck out to me and it was this:

The writing at the bottom says:

"Are you a princess? I said. And she said I'm much more than a princess but you don't have a name for it yet here on earth."

I told her how fantastic i thought that was and she showed me the other one

"I think my life would be easier, she said, if I could just get my selves to agree on something"

How do I even begin to let you know how right that is? How dead on that is?
I haven't been chalking things up to divine intervention these days like I used to.
But for serious... i just feel like it's a little special nugget that God has given me.
A little piece of understanding- a present. And He gave it to me tonight.
Someone who gets it. Someone who writes it down.

She bought them at Goodwill. Perfect purchase. I went and looked him up and everything I read speaks to me. This night was wonderful. I'm so thankful.

These days the good out weighs the bad.
These days i see it.



.as i should be.

last night. i prayed in urgency.
tonight. i screamed out in desperation.
again. i prayed in urgency.
i'd bend His will if i could. i really would.
i cry out- not asking God but telling Him:

"Come now. Come Now! I need you now. She needs you. We need you here now. Make things better. Fix this. I know you can! I believe you. Come be here NOW. I believe-  I believe that you can. I know it!" sick. that prayer is a far cry from my Psalm 51.

i know that i am not enough.
i usually take solace in that fact,
using it to lick my self inflicted wounds.
tonight- me not being enough wasn't good enough.
i asked Him last night

 "Do whatever you want with me tommorow. The day is yours"

and it wasn't enough for me. it wasn't.

i'm not hopeless.
just retarted.
and my life is beautiful.
and i am blessed.
and things are... always interesting.
and i am alive these days.
and i am not ashamed.
i'm chosing to believe that God is who He says He is.
i'm trusting that He lives up to his name
for i know it to be true.
i believe He saves and redeems and delivers.
but i'm aloud to freak out.
i'm aloud to freak out!
this stuff sucks.
things hurt.
my heart breaks for these kids.

my heart is scattered.

i love God.

but i'm sincere when i say that tonight-
i am beat.

so i return to my beautiful prayer- Psalm 51.
where mercy and restoration overflow.
where i am on my face- as i should be.

"The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart"

check mate.

.my second favorite part of you.

one miss katie blodgett.
she left yesturday.
she left to live in germany for 5 months.
if i had to describe her-
i'd say she's like drinking a glass of orange juice.
she's my citrus best friend.

i called her from her garage.
handed her a parcel.
hugged her.
we exchanged i love you's.
i'm the worst at goodbyes.
and so she's gone.


and when I think about it- I think one of two ways:

1. i day dream about what she's seeing and what she's doing and the brightness of it all. 
2. i think about how much I'm gonna miss her and wish she was around in the next 5 months.

I like the first one better.

I like thinking about her voice standing out in a sea of foreign ones.
I like to think about her riding on the tube, wearing coral, listening to her ipod, and staring out the window.
I like to think about her laugh-
her laugh bringing warmth to strangers that will melt them into friends.
I like to think about her wearing her toms on a rainy day and regretting it.
I like to think that this time for her and God
is an adventure of unfathomable proportions.

I miss her.

I'm glad.

.far off.

i like to be whatever people need me to be.
whatever they want me to be.
people have been doing it for years.
and i'm that person.
that person for that moment.

you tell me what you want.
ill be that.

i'm sure i can swing it.

you need someone to cry with you?
that's my specialty.
you need someone to be quiet?
i think i can handle that.
you need someone to make you laugh?
i can manage.
you need somone to lie to you?
not hard at all.
you need someone to remind you of the truth?
i'll do my best.
you need someone to listen?
for sure.
you need someone to drown out the noise of the world?
i'll take care of that.
you need someone to yell at?
im game.

i couldn't today.
i didn't today.

i want to be whatever they need me to be.
.that's never enough.


.it's not enough.

.dear kylee larson.

not bad- unless you eat the soggy craisins with the orange flavored carrots.

.lure i can't deny.

i laid flat-backed on an airmattress.
sprawled out.
bare feet on the walls.
with her.
with out her.
writing. praying. drawing.
there.
on the floor.
on the balcony.
she took a walk.
sat overlooking it all.
didn't need to speak.
we discovered.
i almost feel like i'm laying there.
there in the cloud of that ambiance.

more and more
i remember this feeling,
it was the feeling of the time and place.
like a whiff of an empty perfume bottle.
i can still smell it but there's nothing left.
as soon as i smell it
i think maybe, just maybe theres a little bit more
i turn it over gently and pray for a drop.
nothing.
nothing.
i want it to permeate my soul.
but there's just a faint remnant of what was.

(there's a slight possibility that it might just be the smell of my sister's apartment)

i don't quite know how to go about recovering it.
i don't know how to get it.
but i'm going to go search for it.
it's almost a taste and a smell.
i can just remember it- it's in my chest.
a feeling that consumes those memories.
when i think about those days i can almost grab it.

i've never felt that before.
it's specific to that time frame- i wonder if that means that it
can not be duplicated.

it's specific.
i can feel it in my chest when i think about those days.
i can almost smell it.
i can almost touch it when i look at those pictures.
so i'll look again.
and try to piece together some plan of how to get back to it.
how to be there in that feeling again.
i wonder if it can be done.

can i get that same culmination of senses without the same circumstances?

i pray that it can be done.
Lord, please lead me to that. help me catch it.

honestly, i don't know how to explain. it's not about who i was. it's not about getting that time back. it's that feeling. that almost tangible aroma that saturated me while i was there. i need to go back. even if it's just to find that it doesn't exist anymore. even if it's to find a different smell.

.the brink.

it wasn't the right kind of love. it my horrid twisted version of it. i figured out i'm not so good at the love thing, but i'm great at the co-dependent thing. finally- someone understood me more than i thought humanly possible. i loved having the kid be the first person i wanted to tell things. i loved being that person for the kid. i loved learning about the deep. i loved letting the kid into my deep. i told him friendships meant everything. it was safe from a distance. it always is. i warned the kid. i warned the kid i was crazy. and he never made any promises that he was going to keep. nothing i could hold against him. just another lesson in the process of being learned.

(i wrote a letter here. i deleted it.)

this whole thing. it's not big. but it does matter. need to stop wishing that God would salvage things.  it's better this way. That kid and i will never make future plans. We'll never sing together. We will never travel the coast togethter. We'll never go to each other's weddings. We'll never be real friends.

i want to learn how to love people in a healthier manner- love them better.

I love my God.

I tried to love someone and it failed. Learning what not to do.

.don't cry, you liar.

i have so much going through my head.
but it's late.
and as soon as i formulated these thoughts into sentences
with funny sadness and biting remarks in the car...
as soon as i sit down to write them they leave me.
perhaps i'm tired of crying for the night.
perhaps i'm just tired.

i want to write a letter.
a letter to the charachter i continue to give power to in my life.
a letter to him.
and a letter to me.

i want to tell you about lying.

i want to tell you about how someone honked at me tonight. they were beside me. and i was crying and looking at my phone. and i don't know why they honked. the light was red. i don't know why they honked.

i want to tell you about the past.


where do i start?

a letter.