here i find myself.
in bed in boulder, colorado.
i never thought i'd be here.
and i never thought i'd be in the situation that i'm currently in.
i put myself here.
it's not terrible.
it's not awful.
but it's uncomfortable.
i feel as if the rug could be ripped from beneath me at any moment.
and this is it.
this is my shot.
i don't have a back up plan.
this trajectory is what i want.
i want to be self sufficient.
it's all easier said then done.
ii'm... on the edge at all times.
i just want a quiet space. a space where
i can relax and let go of this tension.
but i live in this tension,
never knowing when the bottom will drop out.
and with this- i will have to trust God.
with all of this i will have to trust Him.
i trusted Him when i moved here
but now that I'm here I'm afraid it will all fall apart.
i want to do the things i need to do
without white knuckling it.
but instead im
gritting my teeth, clenching my knuckles, and holding my breath.
that's the scariest part.
the fact that i have goals.
and that it's going to take a lot of
resilience and strength on my end
to overcome any obstacles, including myself, that
inevitably shall prohibit my direct path.
i've never wanted anything this bad.
and i've never gotten this far before.
this is all uncharted territory.
i'm not even proud of myself,
that's the thing.
i show up
i am reliable, which has never been the case before.
i want to be reliable so that i can move up.
i want to move up
but being faithful in this position is something new for me.
i want to be the best.
i want to not be terrible.
in matters of real importance.
God will provide and i will do whatever i can,
however i can to keep up the momentum and forward motion.
spiritually i am scraping the bottom of my barrel,
trying to hide in my fear of disappointment and sit in my laziness.
im scared to go to church.
scared to be too much. scared to be too different. scared to disagree.
scared to be too little. but i know what i need.
i need God.
and i need Community.
and recently i've been avoiding both.
and today's the day.
today's the day i say screw it,
it doesn't matter if i look cool.
or if i say the right things.
or if i cry too much.
or if i disagree.
or if i feel stupid.
today is the day that i sacrifice my sleep
and my comfort
for the greater good of giving my soul sustenance.
she's been dry for quite some time,
and this thirst has become a backdrop
that i can no longer ignore.
i can't survive if im not growing
and feeding the core of me.
and i can't live true life if i'm ignoring
the One who knows me.
.and so it is.\
from here i must go on
trying to trust.
trying to unclench.
trying to slack my jaw.
trying to stand upright.
trying to breathe.
trying to open my eyes
to the beauty and faithfulness and the promise of my God.