Friday, February 4, 2011

.the brink.

it wasn't the right kind of love. it my horrid twisted version of it. i figured out i'm not so good at the love thing, but i'm great at the co-dependent thing. finally- someone understood me more than i thought humanly possible. i loved having the kid be the first person i wanted to tell things. i loved being that person for the kid. i loved learning about the deep. i loved letting the kid into my deep. i told him friendships meant everything. it was safe from a distance. it always is. i warned the kid. i warned the kid i was crazy. and he never made any promises that he was going to keep. nothing i could hold against him. just another lesson in the process of being learned.

(i wrote a letter here. i deleted it.)

this whole thing. it's not big. but it does matter. need to stop wishing that God would salvage things.  it's better this way. That kid and i will never make future plans. We'll never sing together. We will never travel the coast togethter. We'll never go to each other's weddings. We'll never be real friends.

i want to learn how to love people in a healthier manner- love them better.

I love my God.

I tried to love someone and it failed. Learning what not to do.