Thursday, March 3, 2011

.as i should be.

last night. i prayed in urgency.
tonight. i screamed out in desperation.
again. i prayed in urgency.
i'd bend His will if i could. i really would.
i cry out- not asking God but telling Him:
"Come now. Come Now! I need you now. She needs you. We need you here now. Make things better. Fix this. I know you can! I believe you. Come be here NOW. I believe-  I believe that you can. I know it!" sick. that prayer is a far cry from my Psalm 51.
i know that i am not enough.
i usually take solace in that fact,
using it to lick my self inflicted wounds.
tonight- me not being enough wasn't good enough.
i asked Him last night
 "Do whatever you want with me tommorow. The day is yours"
and it wasn't enough for me. it wasn't.

i'm not hopeless.
just retarted.
and my life is beautiful.
and i am blessed.
and things are... always interesting.
and i am alive these days.
and i am not ashamed.
i'm chosing to believe that God is who He says He is.
i'm trusting that He lives up to his name
for i know it to be true.
i believe He saves and redeems and delivers.
but i'm aloud to freak out.
i'm aloud to freak out!
this stuff sucks.
things hurt.
my heart breaks for these kids.

my heart is scattered.

i love God.

but i'm sincere when i say that tonight-
i am beat.

so i return to my beautiful prayer- Psalm 51.
where mercy and restoration overflow.
where i am on my face- as i should be.

"The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart"

check mate.