Thursday, January 9, 2014

.a few years make a difference.

once a boy told me something i didn't like.
at the time i raged against the notion.
but here i sit
4 years later and i can safely say that one thing is true.

a few years make a difference.

and the hope that those words now bring
is entirely unexpected.

the people, places, and the very things
that once brought me comfort - now bring me none.
and the textures, sounds, and faces that
bring me pleasure today
- will not, this same time next year.

a woman once told me
that our lives are the Gospel being played over and over again.

i sit. here. and it does ring true.
my condensed version of the gospel on loop:

sin. birth. life. death. mourning. resurrection. sin. birth. life. death. mourning. resurrection.
sin. birth. life. death. mourning. resurrection. sin. birth. life. death. mourning. resurrection.

those are seemingly the bullet points.
strange as it may be
 each word holds the exact amount of weight that i think it should.

sin - the heavy and thick amount of disgust for myself or anyone else.
birth - the beginning of something new that i crave and long for.
life - the in-between which can be made up of special moments or horrible ones.
death - the moment that assuredly comes, as i fight tooth and nail against it to prolong the inevitable
mourning - i somehow stretch theses three days into years of lamenting
resurrection - the part that i most look forward to and simultaneously hope will never come

i guess God is teaching me something new.
and i'm actually learning it.
where i am today will change
regardless of me
throwing myself into something new,
running away from anything ,
or searching for some infinite adventure.
it will all change.
and that is the biggest comfort of all.
all of my relationships will not be the same or even in tact next year.
i will not be stuck in one place forever, it is not possible.
there is enough for me and there always will be.

a few years make a difference.
it is true.
and while i look forward to what the next few years have to offer
i'll be damned if i keep living for the future like i have been.