Saturday, June 14, 2014

.there's no color lines, castes, or classes.


It's always surprising when i have an unexpectedly strong response to words with no malice behind them.


My eye twitches and my body tenses up. A few days ago this reaction was triggered. In an attempt to understand my initial reaction (with a lack of tact, I might add) I've been trying to sort it out. Seeing a side of my friend I had never seen before, seeing something broken that I can't fix. Not being able to protect or fight loss of control. I don't like to be out of control. And while this is a reasonable justification for uncomfort, it seems a bit daft for that to be sending a bolt through my chest, doesn't it?

If every feeling really comes from a choice... What was the choice that I had made?

"Anger is inexplicably linked to morality."

With further investigation, this is the patch-worked offering of my logic.

I feel as if inequality is an explicit injustice. And that is a fact in my mind. A universal truth. That equality is a mandate from Christ and that exclusivity is in direct opposition to this. Even the mention of it wrenches my stomach. Maybe it's from everything I've learned about our recent history. The Civil Rights Movement, Mother Teresa with the untouchables, The Holocaust, Ghandi fighting against Britain imperialism, Rwandan Genocide, Aung San Suu Kyi and Burma, the list goes on and on. These events of inequality are accepted to be morally deplorable acts in the secular world. So even if I didn't follow Christ, I would already conclude that exclusivity is a characteristic that lends itself acts of inequality.


I am no theologian. I do not sit here and claim to know anything. To know the Bible or understand in the least bit. I wouldn't say that I believe every word should be taken literally. But what I do believe is that I should have an opinion. I should have an opinion and not be a reed blowing in the wind. I should not be a Universalist. And if I am a Universalist I should have thoughts about why I'm taking the easy way out. I can choose something that I believe. I can have many theories, if I'd like. And those theories can change if I learn something new or different. I can continue to grow. And I can have thoughts.

I can have thoughts. And those thoughts can matter.

Today I could look through the Bible seeking evidence to back up my theory. Spouting off verses and books and stories about what God said or what happened and how it all points to the fact that I am right. But this would be doctoring what God made to satisfy my own need to try and understand the mystery.

So instead I am inviting myself to sit down. To sit and look at God's Word and see what He says. His Story has both Exclusivity and Inclusivity in it. The Jews and The Gentiles, just for starters. So it can't be all bad.

He has a chosen people. And then He adopted us. So there's already both. It's both. And maybe exclusivity isn't forever linked to inequality. Maybe they can be separate. I don't have to know it all today. I don't think I can read all of the verses and books and ideas and theories and formulate my own opinion tonight anyway. But I do think it's good that I sit and ask. I sit and look. Or even that I just sit with Him.

So far - this exploration into my intense reaction has provided some good contemplating. God has given me a sore spot for injustice. I didn't ask for it but it's here and it stings. So I guess there's more to learn about that. Always more to learn.


.i am not a child.


i starred at a wall.
while everyone was looking straight, i looked left.
to try to hold it together.
to try to keep a grip on all of the edges of my life.

if i stay quiet maybe they won't notice me.
maybe i'll disappear.
maybe this will end

i regress.
two feet tall.
staring at the patterns in the wood.
while the grown ups talk
i hate them.
every time i spill a glass, they yell.
so i try not to move or touch anything.
they don't care.
and i'm right here.
they want me to play with crayons.

but I'm right here.

i'm okay. i'm okay.
maybe they're almost done talking.
i wish i could sink underneath the seat.
crawl under the table
and make a run for it.

but they notice me.
because i'm sitting there breathing.
they notice me.
because i'm not small.

they notice me.

forced to hug reluctantly.
it's all a lie,
this whole thing.
but i'm quiet.
it's a lie.
i'm quietly lying.

say "thank you."
say "i love you."
leave quickly before you lie again.