no one is going to come and save me.
this i am more than aware of.
if He is in me shouldn't i be full of joy? peace? kindness? anything of that sort.
shouldn't i be filled with life?
love?
maybe I have never loved You.
but i had no doubts until today.
would i be so alone- so unlovely if you were in me?
if I loved you- wouldn't i believe that I'll make it through tomorrow.
wouldn't I believe?
if to love you is to suffer- maybe i should've been a Buddhist or something..
my pain tolerance is subpar
i can be in a room with anyone i love and
i can give nothing.
i have nothing.
i can give them no smile or hug or word or laugh that will be honest.
because if i'm being honest...
this didn't end after 4 days at the anderson center and a new medication.
this didn't end after a couple days off work.
it lingers.
i have nothing to give.
i don't know how to get out of this.
it's not like anyone thinks.
my friend took me to lunch today.
she sat and spoke.
and i loved that it wasnt a one way conversation.
she always has more going on then she speaks.
she explained things- she explained that she didn't know.
and she asked me a question that i didn't know how to answer.
but when my rambling concluded- this is what it boiled down to...
i'm so sad.
deeply. deeply...
it feels like God can't even fill this void, where-ever He is (right here, i'm sure).
and I can't make anyone feel good- not genuinely.
i can't love anyone with Christ's love right now.
i've got nothing.
don't tell me.
This is okay.
It'll be okay.
God must really have big things planned.
don't tell me.
don't tell me anything.
tell Him to be here.
tell Him to rescue me, if He will.
tell Him to come say it to my face.
ID LIKE TO FEEL HIS LOVE.
don't tell me.
tell Him..