tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71669742057513071172024-03-13T13:17:29.178-07:00-------------take me to the river-------------jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comBlogger90125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-47814812414446730342017-05-07T14:37:00.001-07:002017-05-07T14:37:14.105-07:00identity.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
if we only know half of where we came from<br />
we only know half of who we are.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-28487223474570556322017-02-06T12:17:00.003-08:002017-02-06T12:17:53.452-08:00.every stone.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
i have a lot to say.<br />
i try to keep my mouth shut every day<br />
afraid to trip someone up or slash someone's tires.<br />
the power of the words that hide behind these lips<br />
is no longer lost on me.<br />
i know the damage they can do.<br />
i know the pain these tiny words can cause.<br />
help me.<br />
help me to know how to use them.<br />
help me craft them.<br />
help me speak.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-87215701849646757922017-02-06T12:11:00.001-08:002017-02-06T12:11:40.176-08:00now.i layed my blanket down<br />
and slept ontop of your heart.<br />
sweet dreams washed over me<br />
as your beats came and went.<br />
<br />
when i awoke you were gone.<br />
now i am a refugee. -jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-86559379927221211592016-08-01T05:26:00.001-07:002016-08-01T05:26:12.842-07:00.apres moi.<br />
<br />
<br />
________________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
there's a man i know who<br />
i love like i've never loved before.<br />
with him i am the best version<br />
of myself.<br />
i tell myself that if this ends<br />
it will not destroy me.<br />
it will not take me down.<br />
i will keep on standing.<br />
i will be strong and unyielding.<br />
my health will not be affected<br />
and my personal trajectory<br />
will not be altered.<br />
i tell myself<br />
i will not lose it.<br />
i will not break.<br />
i will not be unequivocally hurt.<br />
i'll make the most of it.<br />
<br />
but if i'm being honest.<br />
the pain that i will feel will be unmatched.<br />
the hurt that will grasp me will be unfettered.<br />
and i'll weep for years over this man.<br />
<br />
yay, for honesty. i've finally felt love.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
________________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-61305123412325989642016-07-20T06:58:00.002-07:002016-07-20T06:58:34.920-07:00.the beauty of it all. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
_______________________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
here i sit weeping.<br />
i didn't know God loved me like this.<br />
i didn't know life could be this beautiful.<br />
everything isn't easy.<br />
it's actually work.<br />
but it's good hard work.<br />
i'm so thankful.<br />
so grateful that i get to even spend time with this human.<br />
let alone get to learn how to love him.<br />
<br />
i didn't know love like this existed.<br />
the kind where a man would care about me so much.<br />
where he would want to know what i think.<br />
would get mad if i didn't share my thoughts.<br />
would fight me on it.<br />
and I'm so thankful.<br />
he's the most incredible person.<br />
he's dynamic and inventive.<br />
kind and passionate.<br />
hilarious and sweet.<br />
<br />
i didn't know.<br />
i always wished and hoped.<br />
but i didn't know it would be better than my dreams.<br />
because it's real.<br />
<br />
so thank you.<br />
Thank you God for this life.<br />
Thank you God for this experience.<br />
for this gift of love.<br />
I want to take care of it.<br />
To always be thankful.<br />
Help me to remember when i forget.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
_________________________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-76295682002024103842016-04-07T13:22:00.001-07:002016-04-07T13:22:25.003-07:00.aghast.aghast,<br />
that you would show such little regard<br />
for the safety of those who can not<br />
defend or protect themselves.<br />
<br />
aghast,<br />
that you are in charge of the well being<br />
of those who need protecting<br />
yet you do not consider the weight<br />
YOUR choices.<br />
<br />
aghast,<br />
that you said you had a "hard conversation"<br />
and yet there is a predator lurking about<br />
on YOUR watch.<br />
<br />
if i have anything to do with this<br />
i will speak my peace.<br />
your utter lack of concern for<br />
our students and flippant attitude towards<br />
this situation is egregious<br />
and if i were a parent<br />
i wouldn't trust you with my child.<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-78656036859163428272016-03-17T19:23:00.001-07:002016-03-17T19:23:39.726-07:00.always.<br />
<br />
<br />
______________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
i don't know<br />
what i don't know.<br />
but i know that I need you God.<br />
i know that You provide<br />
all there is to life.<br />
i know that You are the Comforter.<br />
You are All.<br />
You are it.<br />
<br />
You are all I want.<br />
<br />
When it comes to my being.<br />
my essence.<br />
my central need.<br />
it all boils down to You.<br />
<br />
And this constant in itself<br />
makes me feel less afraid.<br />
I will always want You.<br />
I will always want You.<br />
I will always want You.<br />
And you will never stop wanting me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-68719534890467619072016-02-14T15:54:00.000-08:002016-02-14T15:54:27.421-08:00broken.it's been a week.<br />
a week since.<br />
it feels like a wound got reopened today.<br />
the door swung wide open.<br />
and you said nothing.<br />
you gave nothing.<br />
it was my fault for being so hasty.<br />
not thinking of what this would do<br />
to either of us.<br />
do you hate me?<br />
i'm broken.<br />
<br />
i broke me.-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-7156229599845464532016-02-09T06:17:00.000-08:002016-02-09T06:21:45.153-08:00.elastic heart.___________________<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
i've yet to let myself really cry.<br />
cry for the girl who just sold herself.<br />
cry for the girl who just let go of something<br />
she treasured.<br />
i've yet to cry for the scared girl<br />
who didn't know what she wanted anymore.<br />
i don't know what she needs right now.<br />
i don't know anything.<br />
<br />
what pain is she in?<br />
what space or time does she need?<br />
what words would soothe her?<br />
<br />
i'm coming up blank.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
___________________<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-14148384249213673492016-02-09T06:13:00.007-08:002016-02-09T06:21:24.450-08:00.nothing.___________________<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<br />
left all of my kindness and gentleness at the door.<br />
stepped into a room full of darkness.<br />
decided to decide nothing.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
___________________<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-65356966228699188122016-02-09T06:13:00.003-08:002016-02-09T06:20:47.037-08:00.did it count.___________________<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
"i'm not playing games", he said.<br />
but i was.<br />
<div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
___________________</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-85491602656363120162016-02-09T06:12:00.003-08:002016-02-09T06:20:17.588-08:00.it didn't happen.___________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
i went with intention.<br />
seeking to destroy something.<br />
maybe myself.<br />
showering<br />
hoping something would come up.<br />
asking Jesus to help before grabbing my purse.<br />
hoping something would intervene.<br />
moving forward, numbing the small voice of reason.<br />
keys in the ignition.<br />
moments of silence.<br />
i don't remember any music playing.<br />
an out.<br />
i needed an out and i had one.<br />
but i was stubborn.<br />
determined to continue with my plan.<br />
this was what i wanted, right?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
___________________<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-67433633903384080332016-02-09T06:05:00.002-08:002016-02-09T06:19:55.419-08:00.just one.___________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
just one.<br />
one choice can have an impact on the rest of your life.<br />
how funny it is that one thing<br />
can have such an effect on the future.<br />
one pull of the trigger.<br />
one word.<br />
one move.<br />
it can change things.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
___________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-36953974462489997722015-10-06T12:52:00.000-07:002015-10-06T12:52:04.896-07:00.better.it's infuriating to put expectations on a human<br />
who never asked for them in the first place.<br />
to only want the best for a person.<br />
to only want the best and expect the best.<br />
i know i've failed when i feel this way.<br />
failed to love correctly and fully without strings.<br />
i hate failing.<br />
it makes me wonder<br />
why i try.<br />
<br />
why do we try to love one another<br />
when it's so flawed.<br />
i want to apologize each time i let<br />
someone down,<br />
but it seems like there isn't enough<br />
time, or air, or<br />
there aren't enough words for<br />
the apologies<br />
that need to be given.<br />
<br />
i don't know how to do this better.<br />
i don't know how to practice anymore.<br />
<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-54466537880628686482015-08-13T20:40:00.000-07:002015-08-13T20:40:31.996-07:00.better now.___________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
bruised my palm<br />
with urgency<br />
as i wanted more<br />
than was given.<br />
<br />
poets,<br />
i feel i know them<br />
better now.<br />
fearful,<br />
i doubt i'll feel<br />
the same way<br />
tomorrow.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
__________________<br />
<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-33072330572431135542015-06-13T20:49:00.002-07:002015-06-13T20:49:36.458-07:00.here.<br />
<br />
-------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
she was a total mess.<br />
and thinking of the boy made her feel more crazy.<br />
she didn't want to know what love was.<br />
she wanted nothing else.<br />
theres a moment,<br />
a moment when you can feel the slightest shift<br />
in a new relationship.<br />
when one person pulls and the other stands still.<br />
the loss of control feels like a tremor.<br />
so she decided to sit.<br />
sit on the edge and wait<br />
for whatever tsunami or sinkhole would<br />
swallow her up.<br />
and her breathy prayer<br />
to whomever would listen<br />
was finally "i'm not going anywhere."<br />
"i'm staying here."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
-------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-55147792389625143282015-04-27T09:27:00.000-07:002015-04-27T09:30:06.485-07:00.the odds.<br />
<br />
__________________________________________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
i've been plagued by a lack of balanced perspective for as long as i can remember. retrospect seems to be the only method by which i can fully explore the extent of my rationale.<br />
<br />
setting the scene:<br />
<br />
one tiny house apartment. like 12 dudes and 4 girls, including me. 3 of said girls were in relationships.<br />
<br />
excited to support my friend at his first stand-up house show gig, i came over immediately without changing. little did i know that the shirt i was wearing had a giant grease stain, the baggy jeans which were super comfortable had something weird going on with the crotch, the sloppy beanie only accentuated my unwashed hair and wrinkled cardigan. solid outfit choice for the night.<br />
<br />
12 dudes.<br />
the odds would be in my favor... if i was skinny.<br />
but i'm not. 12 guys. 12 freaking guys and one single white female.<br />
nothing.<br />
granted - i did look ultra homeless.<br />
but if i was skinny i could've had a bag over my head<br />
and i still would've gotten some play.<br />
<br />
retrospect is the only manner in which i can view this event<br />
and retrospect sucks ass, yet its harsh truthiness is somewhat comforting.<br />
<br />
being fat and trying to have a conversation with a 20 something boy in a band is like pulling teeth. i'm fucking awesome. i'm funny and nice. i'm smart and semi-kind and reasonably talented. but i am fat. i am fat. and this is something that the bass player was all to well aware of. the blank television screen seemed to be more interesting to him. it cracked me up as he reluctantly told me that he was going to be a missionary in Japan this summer. his lack of eye contact and general blasé' nature led me to believe that this young man, while looking stellar, was actually a complete shallow asshole. even though we had a lot in common, i sure as hell wasn't going to implore him to give a shit. holding my own information hostage, i laughed at his utter lack of interest in another human being. the laughter at his asshattery didn't amuse him.<br />
<br />
another young man, reddish hair, wearing shorts on a freezing day, and texting while sitting alone on the couch laughed at a few of my words. seeing that he at least had the decency to be a real human being we continued talking. he told me he was "super single". this comment struck me. i'd never heard anyone describe the level of "single" they were before. that's when it hit me... if i was skinny - this would happen. i would go for it. my friend korie then chimed in "justine... you're super nothing. you don't date." or something to that affect. and she's right. on the single scale i am "super nothing." i'm fat. only other fat men even remotely acknowledge my existence. WHAT THE HELL<br />
<br />
it occurred to me... this was a test. this specific night was a control group.<br />
ratio of single men to women - and the answer was unanimous - justine is fat. no one is buying it.<br />
<br />
i could've been have woman half horse and would've gotten more action than if i was fat.<br />
<br />
it's like life says to fat women - may the odds be never in your favor.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
__________________________________________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-58025110404247626202015-04-14T21:34:00.000-07:002015-04-14T21:36:20.768-07:00Side effect: Extreme Nausea... Damn straight.<br />
__________________________________________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
there are two parts to tonight's story. one part is about vomit and one part is about fear.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">i guess i’m never really in it alone. being bipolar has its ups and downs. (pun not intended). The positives mostly aire on the creative and energetic side while the negatives seem obvious. After being aware of my illness and seeking treatment for the last 8 years, i’ve become accustomed to some things. blood drawings, testing levels, check ins, new doctors, etc. but there’s always one thing that i’ve never been able to accept. one thing that still scares the living shit out of me. each time that i start a new medicine. the brave veneer is cracked repeatedly as I am reminded that this is not fixed. That my mental illness doesn’t just go away. That there is no cure. When things stop working or something goes wrong (suicidal thoughts, insomnia, sonia, dizziness, hair loss, etc.) I’m never ready for the next step. I’m never expecting the fear to rush in. What will this new pill do to me. It’s a rude awakening. Most of the time I can live my life numb to the fact that I’m irrevocably damaged - I can pretend that I’m normal. But on those days - when the words “we can try…” are said - it is an all to real shaking of the earth and a shocking reminder that this is not a movie - this is my life. I am mentally ill and I will remain that way until I die. This is not a fleeting issue - this is my obtuse reality. So there is the fear.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Here comes the vomit. I've been taking a new medicine since last week - an anti-psychotic which is being used to treat me as a mood stabilizer in tandem with my lamictal (another mood stabilizer). Today was my 7th day. So when I took my medicine tonight, too late after dinner - and I became immediately ill - I thought …wow it’s real. I felt alone but more sure of myself this time. Just throw up and get it out of your system. My roommate heard me. Shame and relief simultaneously announced themselves. I hate that when she asked what was wrong I had to tell her that it was my fault that I took the medicine too late and yet I felt relief that I wasn’t alone. that someone cared. She got me a drink of water as I threw up the rest of it. I’m used to throwing up. Pretty comfortable with it. I’d rather vomit than shit. But tonight I didn’t want to. I had spent 20 bucks on thai food with my friends. I didn’t want to waste it. But none the less, my absentmindedness made me purge. i didn’t even stick my fingers down my throat.They were right about the nausea. They were really right.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<br />
__________________________________________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-82188316191971383342014-10-12T22:03:00.000-07:002014-10-12T22:03:35.471-07:00common curse<br />
_________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
i forget<br />
<div>
how easily. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
this happens,</div>
<div>
this limp.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
self pity doesn't look good on anyone,</div>
<div>
but it's my prettiest dress.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
_________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-85266281453832842542014-10-12T21:22:00.001-07:002014-10-12T21:31:24.128-07:00..<br />
__________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
i didn't hear the knock.<br />
holding my hands up to my ears.<br />
the old friend came in anyway,<br />
uninvited.<br />
i thought i boarded up all the windows,<br />
that i was prepared.<br />
<br />
told me he was different.<br />
how he had changed.<br />
<br />
i look him in the face,<br />
i see<br />
what he has done.<br />
<br />
<br />
i am not a saint.<br />
<br />
he is no friend.<br />
<br />
__________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-78472775631994920152014-10-12T21:09:00.000-07:002014-10-12T21:30:53.172-07:00.<div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
______________________________________________</div>
<div>
<br />
<br /></div>
i wonder if falling in love is like falling into depression.<br />
<div>
it just happens.<br />
quick and slow. </div>
<div>
foreshadowing and unexpected. </div>
<div>
i wonder what the difference is. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
______________________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-12455190738519264222014-08-04T15:19:00.001-07:002014-10-12T21:31:09.732-07:00The only word is... Tragic.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
__________________________________________________________________<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I tried to think... that morning, that afternoon. I tried to think of the word, the word for the weight. The word that supported it.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The only word is tragic. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I walked outside and was greeted by a surprising tickle from the swift breeze. Juxtaposition in full form, I looked up. Staring at the rabbit tail clouds and the flavored-ice summer sky. This was Indiana. This was life. The baffling antonymy of the every day. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I was late. Not late in the sense that I cared or that it mattered, I made a choice. That morning I chose not to concern myself with the dictators of time. Realizing that I would soon be my own, I decided to savor my last passive act of rebellion. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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Breathy steps were taken as I settled into the weather's temperament. "A fine day", I thought while I opened my perpetually unlocked car door. As I reached for my keys, I heard the click. People talk about their hearts dropping but my stomach went up my throat. </div>
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A first reaction was too look away, quickly turning back as I screamed. Six years lie on the pavement. I wanted to sit down, Indian style right there forever. I felt the need to lie down beside it and cry. Maybe if I don't move it won't really have happened. But that isn't the way these things work. I didn't have any time to sit down. I couldn't lie still next to it and breathe the grief in and out fully. I was late. </div>
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I grabbed the pieces. Necessity demanded that I drive the car despite it.<br />
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-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-53963125505609844442014-06-14T18:48:00.000-07:002014-06-14T19:09:19.324-07:00.there's no color lines, castes, or classes.<br />
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It's always surprising when i have an unexpectedly strong response to words with no malice behind them.<br />
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Exclusivity.<br />
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My eye twitches and my body tenses up. A few days ago this reaction was triggered. In an attempt to understand my initial reaction (with a lack of tact, I might add) I've been trying to sort it out. Seeing a side of my friend I had never seen before, seeing something broken that I can't fix. Not being able to protect or fight loss of control. I don't like to be out of control. And while this is a reasonable justification for uncomfort, it seems a bit daft for that to be sending a bolt through my chest, doesn't it?<br />
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If every feeling really comes from a choice... What was the choice that I had made?<br />
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"Anger is inexplicably linked to morality."<br />
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With further investigation, this is the patch-worked offering of my logic.<br />
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I feel as if inequality is an explicit injustice. And that is a fact in my mind. A universal truth. That equality is a mandate from Christ and that exclusivity is in direct opposition to this. Even the mention of it wrenches my stomach. Maybe it's from everything I've learned about our recent history. The Civil Rights Movement, Mother Teresa with the untouchables, The Holocaust, Ghandi fighting against Britain imperialism, Rwandan Genocide, Aung San Suu Kyi and Burma, the list goes on and on. These events of inequality are accepted to be morally deplorable acts in the secular world. So even if I didn't follow Christ, I would already conclude that exclusivity is a characteristic that lends itself acts of inequality. <br />
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I am no theologian. I do not sit here and claim to know anything. To know the Bible or understand in the least bit. I wouldn't say that I believe every word should be taken literally. But what I do believe is that I should have an opinion. I should have an opinion and not be a reed blowing in the wind. I should not be a Universalist. And if I am a Universalist I should have thoughts about why I'm taking the easy way out. I can choose something that I believe. I can have many theories, if I'd like. And those theories can change if I learn something new or different. I can continue to grow. And I can have thoughts.<br />
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I can have thoughts. And those thoughts can matter.<br />
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Today I could look through the Bible seeking evidence to back up my theory. Spouting off verses and books and stories about what God said or what happened and how it all points to the fact that I am right. But this would be doctoring what God made to satisfy my own need to try and understand the mystery.<br />
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So instead I am inviting myself to sit down. To sit and look at God's Word and see what He says. His Story has both Exclusivity and Inclusivity in it. The Jews and The Gentiles, just for starters. So it can't be all bad.<br />
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He has a chosen people. And then He adopted us. So there's already both. It's both. And maybe exclusivity isn't forever linked to inequality. Maybe they can be separate. I don't have to know it all today. I don't think I can read all of the verses and books and ideas and theories and formulate my own opinion tonight anyway. But I do think it's good that I sit and ask. I sit and look. Or even that I just sit with Him.<br />
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So far - this exploration into my intense reaction has provided some good contemplating. God has given me a sore spot for injustice. I didn't ask for it but it's here and it stings. So I guess there's more to learn about that. Always more to learn.<br />
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<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-80837134252191558432014-06-14T18:04:00.001-07:002014-06-14T18:53:19.104-07:00.i am not a child.______________________________________________________<br />
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i starred at a wall.<br />
while everyone was looking straight, i looked left.<br />
to try to hold it together.<br />
to try to keep a grip on all of the edges of my life.<br />
<br />
if i stay quiet maybe they won't notice me.<br />
maybe i'll disappear.<br />
maybe this will end<br />
faster.<br />
<br />
i regress.<br />
two feet tall.<br />
staring at the patterns in the wood.<br />
while the grown ups talk<br />
i hate them.<br />
every time i spill a glass, they yell.<br />
so i try not to move or touch anything.<br />
they don't care.<br />
and i'm right here.<br />
they want me to play with crayons.<br />
<br />
but I'm right here.<br />
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i'm okay. i'm okay.<br />
maybe they're almost done talking.<br />
i wish i could sink underneath the seat.<br />
crawl under the table<br />
and make a run for it.<br />
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but they notice me.<br />
because i'm sitting there breathing.<br />
they notice me.<br />
because i'm not small.<br />
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they notice me.<br />
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forced to hug reluctantly.<br />
it's all a lie,<br />
this whole thing.<br />
but i'm quiet.<br />
it's a lie.<br />
i'm quietly lying.<br />
<br />
say "thank you."<br />
say "i love you."<br />
leave quickly before you lie again.<br />
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<br />-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7166974205751307117.post-65867845192030035272014-04-28T19:07:00.001-07:002014-08-17T20:55:36.989-07:00"I don't think that there are any limits to how excellent we could make life seem."<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">________________________________________________________</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">I'll eat all of the words. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">The right words. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Have them embossed into my aorta. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Stitched into my left ventricle.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Holding six different reems of paper.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">I devour these.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Some of them are good enough</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">to be printed on my arteries.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">With these words, they can graffiti my pulmonary vein.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">______________________________________________________</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>-jscott.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00233508591241352128noreply@blogger.com