.as I travel the land.

I'm sitting on a windowsill in Kiev, "the" Ukraine. It's like 1 am here. I guess our bodies aren't acclimated yet...acclimated, I like that word.

Here I sit- remembering what it was like to be on fire and remembering what it was like to be desperate. I suppose because I deal in such polars as those, this place is different- I'm not cold or Luke warm or numb or any of that- I'm just waiting, actively waiting.

And GOOD LORD it's harder than I would imagine, but I always underestimate everything.

"I know things turn strange, sometimes nobody knows your name"

I know that life can't always be green hills and laughter with friends but that sounds perfect right now. Give me a sunny day with the windows down and good music as well as company and that is my dream right now. we'll stop at a cemetery and eat fruit and smoke cloves. This is what I look forward to when I get back.

I'm going to try and sleep while ignoring the loud cries of beyond tired little children.

"and as I travel the land I don't care where I am if the sun is shining down on me. And I step out my door and give thanks to the Lord for the life that He gave me

I miss friendship. But I love traveling.
i know that this 6 weeks is gonna be crazy good for God to teach me things.
Things of which I have yet to stumble upon or catch wind of.



I'm excited. And Josh Garrels helps, oh how he helps.

.surely we can change.

talk about awkward.

talk about my life.

it's the same exact thing.

the absurdity of it all is only beautiful because of God.

i didn't think this was going to be this hard.

but then again- i never do.

but it's really different to not to be able to quit something.

and i'm thankful for that.

thankful for everything these days.

food tastes better. and days are brighter. (maybe that's just alabama)

i haven't listened to music in three days and the only thing that i find myself humming is 

"and i don't know what to do with a love like that and i don't know how to be a love like that" or "the whole worlds about to change. the whole worlds about to change. the whole worlds about to change" or "have mercy on me oh God according to your unfailing love, according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions" or "i will bring praise i will bring praise no weapon formed against me shall remain. i will rejoice. i will declare- God is my victory and He is here"

and i'm just singing them mindlessly and to know that those are the songs that are in my heart- that is truly wonderful.

i'm borrowing a couple books from my cousin for my journey

"Passion and Purity"and "Intercessor" so we'll see what things unfold and what new growth occurs. I pray for growth.

I'm really trying to accept and embrace the solidarity.

the david crowder song - surely we can change- is the song that i listened to on repeat for the 10 hour bus ride. It hurts my heart and excites me at the exact same time.

talk about exciting.

talk about my life.

it's the exact same thing.

it's gross how blessed i am.

.fire by night.

this song is by josh garrels.
 this is the attitude of worship i want to have forever.
and tommorow. and for this adventure. but mostly forever.

"We are one, every daughter and son
With our forgotten names
We left home on the open road
To find the holy flame
We are the children of a Son King
Hold onto my hand this mysterious evening
It'll meet us like a dream

Call all our names and we'll be found
Walking were we heard the sound, on down
Tomorrow mountain we will climb
Tonight the stars and fire shine
In our eyes
In the woods
We're alive

Cloud by day, and the fire of night
We will never look back
Young and old with a sojourner soul
Illuminate the path

Follow were the moon does shine
Through the leaves of trees above
Wild life, holy night
The ocean is singing of
The earth trembles with his love"

.i can't spell isaiah.

I crawled into bed in an overwhelmed panic the other night.
I always seem to end up with the top of the
sheets at the bottom of my bed by the next day
and i have to correct the problem the next night.
My anxiety was at threat level midnight as I layed there.
I pulled the quilt up to my knees and grabbed my Bible.
And opened it.
This is what I read

“Here is my servant, whom I uphold,
   my chosen one in whom I delight;
I will put my Spirit on him,
   and he will bring justice to the nations.
² He will not shout or cry out,
   or raise his voice in the streets.
³ A bruised reed he will not break,
   and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;
 ⁴ he will not falter or be discouraged
till he establishes justice on earth.
   In his teaching the islands will put their hope.”
                                                  -Isaiah 42 1-4

When I was younger I really used to believe those things.
I even had "he will not falter or be discouraged" underlined.
So I see that I can have faith.
I can trust God. I just have to do it again.
And now is that time..
It's 1:40 am and I leave tommorow and I have so much to do.
But I have peace. I'm not freaking out.
I work best under pressure.
And tonight is the same deal.

He delights in me.
It's a good night.

.men crying, girls being brave.

tonight i layed on my bed with jessica  for hours.
we did the same exact thing before she left for california.
we layed there and talked.
while "i can feel a hot one" played on repeat in the back ground.

we sang. we spoke.
we harmonized.

i tell her things i don't tell people.
not because they don't ask but because they don't lay with me and cry.
i'm vulnerable around her. she is delicate.

she understands me, not in the way that she has me figured out,
but in the way that she knows that my heart is filled with love for her.
and  i know that she feels the same for me.
she talked about seeing a young man cry.
her compassion is always an undertone but she doesn't know or see it.
she spoke about how seeing someones heart can change.

she invites me to a sad place with her voice just like the song does.

her tone warms me to vocalize my fear.
im scared. not of the Ukraine. but of everything.
i'm scared of doing things alone.
i want someone to share the adventure with.
i want someone to share the adventure with.

i wouldn't have known that if i hadn't have said it.
i wish someone would go with me- into the unknown.
someone to explore the ruins and jump in the ocean with.
hand in hand into the abyss.
but I'm going to trust.
this time... it's just me and God.
some personal time.
"Be brave, my sweet" I suppose.

then we reminiced, her memory of course being way better than mine.
thought about blankeys in freezers and jugs of tea and black men and raw deer meat and giant sleep-overs and snow cones and werlitzers and red heads and things. things.

my love for that young woman overwhelms me-
the fact that our God loves her even more than me...
i'm blown away.
the fact that i don't even posses an iota of the love that He feels and is for her- shuts me up.

.badges and badges.

i never realized that i had such a problem with control until right now.
today i took my car in for a check up just to
make sure it could make it to alabama before breaking down.
well it turns out it needs 600 dollars worth of whatever with
the calibrators and brake pads and what not.
yep. i'm supposed to be there tuesday.

(on new years my friends and i played the game of things and the statement was "A car is a lemon if..." and everyone's answers were... "if justine owns it" "if it has a huge dint in the front bumper" "if it hit a boat".
they were so right. SO RIGHT.)

so i'm taking the greyhound.
this shall be an adventure in itself- even before the real adventure is to begin.
the little control that i did have- my car... my freedom- is now non existant.
thinking about it makes me want to throw up.
but i'm facing the fact that i'm just fine.
in two days- everything is gonna change for a bit.
things are beautiful still.
the only thing i'm relying on is God and i'm freaking scared.
i'm going into this blind.
usually i'm not terrified of the unknown-
 usually im okay with bumping into things in the dark.
this is different.
this is different.

.existence.

Smashing their sugar glass spirits
Shattering their stained glass feelings
A clumsy oaf staggering about in a world of delicious fragility.
Can't bump into someone without chipping their finish.
If you shake my hand, I'll more than likely break yours off.
Seems I'm a sledge hammer in this gross candy land.
What was once pristine will be left crushed upon my departure.
In my wake- a cemetery of sugar coated memories.



-yep.

.groundhog's day.

i laughed a lot tonight.
and a 7 year old did my make-up.
she blesses me in more ways than I can count.
more and more i see.
there are just those people who make you feel less alone.
God does that. He puts those people in place.
She's one.

as i walked through her loft and looked at the artwork displayed
one thing really stuck out to me and it was this:

The writing at the bottom says:

"Are you a princess? I said. And she said I'm much more than a princess but you don't have a name for it yet here on earth."

I told her how fantastic i thought that was and she showed me the other one

"I think my life would be easier, she said, if I could just get my selves to agree on something"

How do I even begin to let you know how right that is? How dead on that is?
I haven't been chalking things up to divine intervention these days like I used to.
But for serious... i just feel like it's a little special nugget that God has given me.
A little piece of understanding- a present. And He gave it to me tonight.
Someone who gets it. Someone who writes it down.

She bought them at Goodwill. Perfect purchase. I went and looked him up and everything I read speaks to me. This night was wonderful. I'm so thankful.

These days the good out weighs the bad.
These days i see it.



.as i should be.

last night. i prayed in urgency.
tonight. i screamed out in desperation.
again. i prayed in urgency.
i'd bend His will if i could. i really would.
i cry out- not asking God but telling Him:

"Come now. Come Now! I need you now. She needs you. We need you here now. Make things better. Fix this. I know you can! I believe you. Come be here NOW. I believe-  I believe that you can. I know it!" sick. that prayer is a far cry from my Psalm 51.

i know that i am not enough.
i usually take solace in that fact,
using it to lick my self inflicted wounds.
tonight- me not being enough wasn't good enough.
i asked Him last night

 "Do whatever you want with me tommorow. The day is yours"

and it wasn't enough for me. it wasn't.

i'm not hopeless.
just retarted.
and my life is beautiful.
and i am blessed.
and things are... always interesting.
and i am alive these days.
and i am not ashamed.
i'm chosing to believe that God is who He says He is.
i'm trusting that He lives up to his name
for i know it to be true.
i believe He saves and redeems and delivers.
but i'm aloud to freak out.
i'm aloud to freak out!
this stuff sucks.
things hurt.
my heart breaks for these kids.

my heart is scattered.

i love God.

but i'm sincere when i say that tonight-
i am beat.

so i return to my beautiful prayer- Psalm 51.
where mercy and restoration overflow.
where i am on my face- as i should be.

"The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart"

check mate.