.piano bench, folding chair, ottoman.

____________________________________________________________



As soon as I stepped in- I knew that there was no place for me there.
That if they asked me to come sit at the table they would have to
pull up a piano bench, a folding chair, or an ottoman that was loud and wobbly.
I'd sit lower than every one else. With every breath the sound of the
chair would be excruciating in the midst of any and all conversation.
I thought nothing could penetrate me anymore.


____________________________________________________________

.a few years make a difference.

once a boy told me something i didn't like.
at the time i raged against the notion.
but here i sit
4 years later and i can safely say that one thing is true.

a few years make a difference.

and the hope that those words now bring
is entirely unexpected.

the people, places, and the very things
that once brought me comfort - now bring me none.
and the textures, sounds, and faces that
bring me pleasure today
- will not, this same time next year.

a woman once told me
that our lives are the Gospel being played over and over again.

i sit. here. and it does ring true.
my condensed version of the gospel on loop:

sin. birth. life. death. mourning. resurrection. sin. birth. life. death. mourning. resurrection.
sin. birth. life. death. mourning. resurrection. sin. birth. life. death. mourning. resurrection.

those are seemingly the bullet points.
strange as it may be
 each word holds the exact amount of weight that i think it should.

sin - the heavy and thick amount of disgust for myself or anyone else.
birth - the beginning of something new that i crave and long for.
life - the in-between which can be made up of special moments or horrible ones.
death - the moment that assuredly comes, as i fight tooth and nail against it to prolong the inevitable
mourning - i somehow stretch theses three days into years of lamenting
resurrection - the part that i most look forward to and simultaneously hope will never come

i guess God is teaching me something new.
and i'm actually learning it.
where i am today will change
regardless of me
throwing myself into something new,
running away from anything ,
or searching for some infinite adventure.
it will all change.
and that is the biggest comfort of all.
all of my relationships will not be the same or even in tact next year.
i will not be stuck in one place forever, it is not possible.
there is enough for me and there always will be.

a few years make a difference.
it is true.
and while i look forward to what the next few years have to offer
i'll be damned if i keep living for the future like i have been.

Middle Aged White People

 It's my personality.
My voice. My self.

I just feel like I'm under some microscope when middle aged white people talk to me.

Medication Mosaic Part 1: Power To The Local Dreamer

how does this make you feel?

last night, at 8 post meridian,
a culmination of events that can only
be described as complete and utter madness
took place.
madness being the frightful unveiling of the truth that
i am not who i once was.
that i now embrace more inhibitions than in the Genesis of my youth.
but these days I'm somewhere near Leviticus
and i don't quite know how to be this age.

one concert was all it took to see the imaginary line in the sand.
i am older. not old, but older.
there's still time left.
time left to sing and dance.
and fight through fears of being solely and utterly unique,
just like everyone else (as Katie would say).

so here i am.
no one has ever lived with this mind or body
or series of events or parents or let downs
or habits or passions or hangups all at once.
no one has ever had this soul before.
now what to do with it.

big picture type thinking aside,
how do i really live day to day?
how do i balance these passions
and insights and this voice
with the in and outs of everyday existence?
how do i sleep and eat and work
and still create and live joyfully and passionately.

i do not know.

but one thing i do know is that
i'm too old to put up with crowd surfing
but too young to stand at the back of the room.
im almost too impatient to wait for anything.
i want to please everyone with the sacrifice of my life's direction.

i want to reach the parts of myself
that have been untapped.
i want to love myself
because God made me and loves me and is in me.

how do we do this?
what's next?

.ive made up my mind.

i've thought about it for twenty two years.
but today i wasn't even thinking,
i just felt it.
i want the following experiences:
dating.
i want to date at least one person.
i want to be swept away by excitement once more.
i want to have butterflies.
and hilarity.
and embarrassing moments.
i want to get to know someone.
and have them get to know me.
i want to learn so much more about God.
i want to make out again.
i want to find balance.
i want to go on a road trip.
i want to cause 1 display of public affection.
i want to laugh so hard with that date person.
i want to get married.
i want to have sex.
with that person.

but more than all of these things.
i want to meet that person.
it hit me today.
as i stood.
alone.

i want to meet him
i want to know what he's like.
i want to know what he's weird about.
i want to know what his favorite shirt is.
i want to know what i'll like about him.
i want to know what ill dislike about him.
i want to know what he's doing right now.
today i leaned over to my father and said
"dad, one day i might get married! aren't you so excited to meet him?"
and he genuinely was.
and i felt it.
so am i.

it's  nice to be excited for something that i have no control over.
it's nice to be excited for what God has in store.
it's nice to be excited and anticipatory just for anything.

i might not date.
i might not get married.
i might never kiss again.
i might never have sex, i hope that is not true.

but even if all of those things don't come to fruition,
i'm still excited.
because one day ill get to feel
the full and completed satisfaction of whatever this
conception of excitement is meant for.

the birth of whatever this building anticipation is,
i look forward to.

man do i just want to make out with whoever that dude is.

.and so it is.

here i find myself.
in bed in boulder, colorado.
i never thought i'd be here.
and i never thought i'd be in the situation that i'm currently in.
i put myself here.
it's not terrible.
it's not awful.
but it's uncomfortable.
i feel as if the rug could be ripped from beneath me at any moment.
and this is it.
this is my shot.
i don't have a back up plan.
this trajectory is what i want.
i want to be self sufficient.

it's all easier said then done.
ii'm... on the edge at all times.
i just want a quiet space. a space where
i can relax and let go of this tension.
but i live in this tension,
never knowing when the bottom will drop out.
and with this- i will have to trust God.
with all of this i will have to trust Him.
i trusted Him when i moved here
but now that I'm here I'm afraid it will all fall apart.

i want to do the things i need to do
without white knuckling it.
but instead im
gritting my teeth, clenching my knuckles, and holding my breath.

that's the scariest part.
the fact that i have goals.
and that it's going to take a lot of
resilience and strength on my end
to overcome any obstacles, including myself, that
inevitably shall prohibit my direct path.

i've never wanted anything this bad.
and i've never gotten this far before.
this is all uncharted territory.

i'm not even proud of myself,
that's the thing.
i show up
i am reliable, which has never been the case before.
i want to be reliable so that i can move up.
i want to move up

but being faithful in this position is something new for me.
i want to be the best.
i want to not be terrible.
in matters of real importance.

what happens?
God will provide and i will do whatever i can,
however i can to keep up the momentum and forward motion.

spiritually i am scraping the bottom of my barrel,
trying to hide in my fear of disappointment and sit in my laziness.
im scared to go to church.
scared to be too much. scared to be too different. scared to disagree.
scared to be too little. but i know what i need.
i need God.
and i need Community.
and recently i've been avoiding both.

and today's the day.
today's the day i say screw it,
it doesn't matter if i look cool.
or if i say the right things.
or if i cry too much.
or if i disagree.
or if i feel stupid.
today is the day that i sacrifice my sleep
and my comfort
for the greater good of giving my soul sustenance.
she's been dry for quite some time,
and this thirst has become a backdrop
that i can no longer ignore.
i can't survive if im not growing
and feeding the core of me.
and i can't live true life if i'm ignoring
the One who knows me.

.and so it is.\
from here i must go on
trying to trust.
trying to unclench.
trying to slack my jaw.
trying to stand upright.
trying to breathe.
trying to open my eyes
to the beauty and faithfulness and the promise of my God.