Friday, October 25, 2013

how does this make you feel?

last night, at 8 post meridian,
a culmination of events that can only
be described as complete and utter madness
took place.
madness being the frightful unveiling of the truth that
i am not who i once was.
that i now embrace more inhibitions than in the Genesis of my youth.
but these days I'm somewhere near Leviticus
and i don't quite know how to be this age.

one concert was all it took to see the imaginary line in the sand.
i am older. not old, but older.
there's still time left.
time left to sing and dance.
and fight through fears of being solely and utterly unique,
just like everyone else (as Katie would say).

so here i am.
no one has ever lived with this mind or body
or series of events or parents or let downs
or habits or passions or hangups all at once.
no one has ever had this soul before.
now what to do with it.

big picture type thinking aside,
how do i really live day to day?
how do i balance these passions
and insights and this voice
with the in and outs of everyday existence?
how do i sleep and eat and work
and still create and live joyfully and passionately.

i do not know.

but one thing i do know is that
i'm too old to put up with crowd surfing
but too young to stand at the back of the room.
im almost too impatient to wait for anything.
i want to please everyone with the sacrifice of my life's direction.

i want to reach the parts of myself
that have been untapped.
i want to love myself
because God made me and loves me and is in me.

how do we do this?
what's next?