.apres moi.

________________________________________



there's a man i know who
i love like i've never loved before.
with him i am the best version
of myself.
i tell myself that if this ends
it will not destroy me.
it will not take me down.
i will keep on standing.
i will be strong and unyielding.
my health will not be affected
and my personal trajectory
will not be altered.
i tell myself
i will not lose it.
i will not break.
i will not be unequivocally hurt.
i'll make the most of it.

but if i'm being honest.
the pain that i will feel will be unmatched.
the hurt that will grasp me will be unfettered.
and i'll weep for years over this man.

yay, for honesty. i've finally felt love.





________________________________________

.the beauty of it all.

_______________________________________________





here i sit weeping.
i didn't know God loved me like this.
i didn't know life could be this beautiful.
everything isn't easy.
it's actually work.
but it's good hard work.
i'm so thankful.
so grateful that i get to even spend time with this human.
let alone get to learn how to love him.

i didn't know love like this existed.
the kind where a man would care about me so much.
where he would want to know what i think.
would get mad if i didn't share my thoughts.
would fight me on it.
and I'm so thankful.
he's the most incredible person.
he's dynamic and inventive.
kind and passionate.
hilarious and sweet.

i didn't know.
i always wished and hoped.
but i didn't know it would be better than my dreams.
because it's real.

so thank you.
Thank you God for this life.
Thank you God for this experience.
for this gift of love.
I want to take care of it.
To always be thankful.
Help me to remember when i forget.




_________________________________________________

.aghast.

aghast,
that you would show such little regard
for the safety of those who can not
defend or protect themselves.

aghast,
that you are in charge of the well being
of those who need protecting
yet you do not consider the weight
YOUR choices.

aghast,
that you said you had a "hard conversation"
and yet there is a predator lurking about
on YOUR watch.

if i have anything to do with this
i will speak my peace.
your utter lack of concern for
our students and flippant attitude towards
this situation is egregious
and if i were a parent
i wouldn't trust you with my child.

.always.

______________________________


i don't know
what i don't know.
but i know that I need you God.
i know that You provide
all there is to life.
i know that You are the Comforter.
You are All.
You are it.

You are all I want.

When it comes to my being.
my essence.
my central need.
it all boils down to You.

And this constant in itself
makes me feel less afraid.
I will always want You.
I will always want You.
I will always want You.
And you will never stop wanting me.



________________________________

broken.

it's been a week.
a week since.
it feels like a wound got reopened today.
the door swung wide open.
and you said nothing.
you gave nothing.
it was my fault for being so hasty.
not thinking of what this would do
to either of us.
do you hate me?
i'm broken.

i broke me.

.elastic heart.

___________________

i've yet to let myself really cry.
cry for the girl who just sold herself.
cry for the girl who just let go of something
she treasured.
i've yet to cry for the scared girl
who didn't know what she wanted anymore.
i don't know what she needs right now.
i don't know anything.

what pain is she in?
what space or time does she need?
what words would soothe her?

i'm coming up blank.




___________________

.nothing.

___________________

left all of my kindness and gentleness at the door.
stepped into a room full of darkness.
decided to decide nothing.



___________________

.did it count.

___________________

"i'm not playing games", he said.
but i was.

___________________

.it didn't happen.

___________________




i went with intention.
seeking to destroy something.
maybe myself.
showering
hoping something would come up.
asking Jesus to help before grabbing my purse.
hoping something would intervene.
moving forward, numbing the small voice of reason.
keys in the ignition.
moments of silence.
i don't remember any music playing.
an out.
i needed an out and i had one.
but i was stubborn.
determined to continue with my plan.
this was what i wanted, right?




___________________

.just one.

___________________



just one.
one choice can have an impact on the rest of your life.
how funny it is that one thing
can have such an effect on the future.
one pull of the trigger.
one word.
one move.
it can change things.




___________________