Medication Mosaic Part 1: Power To The Local Dreamer

how does this make you feel?

last night, at 8 post meridian,
a culmination of events that can only
be described as complete and utter madness
took place.
madness being the frightful unveiling of the truth that
i am not who i once was.
that i now embrace more inhibitions than in the Genesis of my youth.
but these days I'm somewhere near Leviticus
and i don't quite know how to be this age.

one concert was all it took to see the imaginary line in the sand.
i am older. not old, but older.
there's still time left.
time left to sing and dance.
and fight through fears of being solely and utterly unique,
just like everyone else (as Katie would say).

so here i am.
no one has ever lived with this mind or body
or series of events or parents or let downs
or habits or passions or hangups all at once.
no one has ever had this soul before.
now what to do with it.

big picture type thinking aside,
how do i really live day to day?
how do i balance these passions
and insights and this voice
with the in and outs of everyday existence?
how do i sleep and eat and work
and still create and live joyfully and passionately.

i do not know.

but one thing i do know is that
i'm too old to put up with crowd surfing
but too young to stand at the back of the room.
im almost too impatient to wait for anything.
i want to please everyone with the sacrifice of my life's direction.

i want to reach the parts of myself
that have been untapped.
i want to love myself
because God made me and loves me and is in me.

how do we do this?
what's next?

.ive made up my mind.

i've thought about it for twenty two years.
but today i wasn't even thinking,
i just felt it.
i want the following experiences:
dating.
i want to date at least one person.
i want to be swept away by excitement once more.
i want to have butterflies.
and hilarity.
and embarrassing moments.
i want to get to know someone.
and have them get to know me.
i want to learn so much more about God.
i want to make out again.
i want to find balance.
i want to go on a road trip.
i want to cause 1 display of public affection.
i want to laugh so hard with that date person.
i want to get married.
i want to have sex.
with that person.

but more than all of these things.
i want to meet that person.
it hit me today.
as i stood.
alone.

i want to meet him
i want to know what he's like.
i want to know what he's weird about.
i want to know what his favorite shirt is.
i want to know what i'll like about him.
i want to know what ill dislike about him.
i want to know what he's doing right now.
today i leaned over to my father and said
"dad, one day i might get married! aren't you so excited to meet him?"
and he genuinely was.
and i felt it.
so am i.

it's  nice to be excited for something that i have no control over.
it's nice to be excited for what God has in store.
it's nice to be excited and anticipatory just for anything.

i might not date.
i might not get married.
i might never kiss again.
i might never have sex, i hope that is not true.

but even if all of those things don't come to fruition,
i'm still excited.
because one day ill get to feel
the full and completed satisfaction of whatever this
conception of excitement is meant for.

the birth of whatever this building anticipation is,
i look forward to.

man do i just want to make out with whoever that dude is.