Middle Aged White People

 It's my personality.
My voice. My self.

I just feel like I'm under some microscope when middle aged white people talk to me.

Medication Mosaic Part 1: Power To The Local Dreamer

how does this make you feel?

last night, at 8 post meridian,
a culmination of events that can only
be described as complete and utter madness
took place.
madness being the frightful unveiling of the truth that
i am not who i once was.
that i now embrace more inhibitions than in the Genesis of my youth.
but these days I'm somewhere near Leviticus
and i don't quite know how to be this age.

one concert was all it took to see the imaginary line in the sand.
i am older. not old, but older.
there's still time left.
time left to sing and dance.
and fight through fears of being solely and utterly unique,
just like everyone else (as Katie would say).

so here i am.
no one has ever lived with this mind or body
or series of events or parents or let downs
or habits or passions or hangups all at once.
no one has ever had this soul before.
now what to do with it.

big picture type thinking aside,
how do i really live day to day?
how do i balance these passions
and insights and this voice
with the in and outs of everyday existence?
how do i sleep and eat and work
and still create and live joyfully and passionately.

i do not know.

but one thing i do know is that
i'm too old to put up with crowd surfing
but too young to stand at the back of the room.
im almost too impatient to wait for anything.
i want to please everyone with the sacrifice of my life's direction.

i want to reach the parts of myself
that have been untapped.
i want to love myself
because God made me and loves me and is in me.

how do we do this?
what's next?

.ive made up my mind.

i've thought about it for twenty two years.
but today i wasn't even thinking,
i just felt it.
i want the following experiences:
dating.
i want to date at least one person.
i want to be swept away by excitement once more.
i want to have butterflies.
and hilarity.
and embarrassing moments.
i want to get to know someone.
and have them get to know me.
i want to learn so much more about God.
i want to make out again.
i want to find balance.
i want to go on a road trip.
i want to cause 1 display of public affection.
i want to laugh so hard with that date person.
i want to get married.
i want to have sex.
with that person.

but more than all of these things.
i want to meet that person.
it hit me today.
as i stood.
alone.

i want to meet him
i want to know what he's like.
i want to know what he's weird about.
i want to know what his favorite shirt is.
i want to know what i'll like about him.
i want to know what ill dislike about him.
i want to know what he's doing right now.
today i leaned over to my father and said
"dad, one day i might get married! aren't you so excited to meet him?"
and he genuinely was.
and i felt it.
so am i.

it's  nice to be excited for something that i have no control over.
it's nice to be excited for what God has in store.
it's nice to be excited and anticipatory just for anything.

i might not date.
i might not get married.
i might never kiss again.
i might never have sex, i hope that is not true.

but even if all of those things don't come to fruition,
i'm still excited.
because one day ill get to feel
the full and completed satisfaction of whatever this
conception of excitement is meant for.

the birth of whatever this building anticipation is,
i look forward to.

man do i just want to make out with whoever that dude is.

.and so it is.

here i find myself.
in bed in boulder, colorado.
i never thought i'd be here.
and i never thought i'd be in the situation that i'm currently in.
i put myself here.
it's not terrible.
it's not awful.
but it's uncomfortable.
i feel as if the rug could be ripped from beneath me at any moment.
and this is it.
this is my shot.
i don't have a back up plan.
this trajectory is what i want.
i want to be self sufficient.

it's all easier said then done.
ii'm... on the edge at all times.
i just want a quiet space. a space where
i can relax and let go of this tension.
but i live in this tension,
never knowing when the bottom will drop out.
and with this- i will have to trust God.
with all of this i will have to trust Him.
i trusted Him when i moved here
but now that I'm here I'm afraid it will all fall apart.

i want to do the things i need to do
without white knuckling it.
but instead im
gritting my teeth, clenching my knuckles, and holding my breath.

that's the scariest part.
the fact that i have goals.
and that it's going to take a lot of
resilience and strength on my end
to overcome any obstacles, including myself, that
inevitably shall prohibit my direct path.

i've never wanted anything this bad.
and i've never gotten this far before.
this is all uncharted territory.

i'm not even proud of myself,
that's the thing.
i show up
i am reliable, which has never been the case before.
i want to be reliable so that i can move up.
i want to move up

but being faithful in this position is something new for me.
i want to be the best.
i want to not be terrible.
in matters of real importance.

what happens?
God will provide and i will do whatever i can,
however i can to keep up the momentum and forward motion.

spiritually i am scraping the bottom of my barrel,
trying to hide in my fear of disappointment and sit in my laziness.
im scared to go to church.
scared to be too much. scared to be too different. scared to disagree.
scared to be too little. but i know what i need.
i need God.
and i need Community.
and recently i've been avoiding both.

and today's the day.
today's the day i say screw it,
it doesn't matter if i look cool.
or if i say the right things.
or if i cry too much.
or if i disagree.
or if i feel stupid.
today is the day that i sacrifice my sleep
and my comfort
for the greater good of giving my soul sustenance.
she's been dry for quite some time,
and this thirst has become a backdrop
that i can no longer ignore.
i can't survive if im not growing
and feeding the core of me.
and i can't live true life if i'm ignoring
the One who knows me.

.and so it is.\
from here i must go on
trying to trust.
trying to unclench.
trying to slack my jaw.
trying to stand upright.
trying to breathe.
trying to open my eyes
to the beauty and faithfulness and the promise of my God.

.i don't wanna be witness to a path that's over grown.

i don't know what it is about this song but i can't get over it.

.and ill fall, and ill break, and ill fake you out.

this is probably the only time in my life
that i can honestly say
that i know what john mayer feels like.
"i'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here"
oh i feel you johnny boy, i feel you.

i just want christian to get here.
so someone else can be in the
midst of this displacement
with me.
i know that this is nothing like
what refugees go through
but if this is hard for me,
i can not imagine what
it is like for them.
i just want to BE SOMEWHERE.
somewhere for a bit.
someplace mine.
somewhere that i can nest.
there's no nesting when you
have to drive for freaking hours
all the time.

twentyonepilots seems to be helping find the words i need:

"you say i'm not alone but i am petrified. you say that you are close, is close the closest star? but you just feel twice as far. you just feel twice as far."

yep.
seriously.

"nobody sees a flower"

there are aspects of each woman i respect and admire.

angles of my mother i wish would seep into me
hardworking and strong.
attributes of my grandmothers that i hope would pass onto me
unconditional and capricious.
facets of strangers, still women, that i want to be a part of me
steadfast and unforgettable.
delicate and compelling.
surefire and astute.

the women who decide for themselves what they think.
i am in awe of them.

any woman who can tell me why a flower is so unordinary deserves my attention.
any woman who can honestly say she is resolute before the compliment or criticism demands my admiration and cognizance.
any woman who can delight in the most disheartening bleak corners of the earth is entitled to my affections.

i know that i underestimate myself and therefore underestimate these women.
i admire their traits without furthering my exploration of the characteristics themselves.

.damn, michael buble'.

.tonight.

.i danced in one of the top rows of the movie theater, with one of my best friends/soon to be former roomates, as we laughed and twirled each other and giggled and michael buble' serenaded us through the ending credits.

.a good memory indeed.

.words remain.

a frustrated woman, an understatement.
things are getting away from me these days.
slipping through the cracks.
self sabotage in many forms.
ultimately i am a wreck.
i am crying out.
i am screaming for someone to understand.
understand that things still hurt.
it is easy for me to write people off.
it is harder for me to be the one written off.
to be the one forgotten.
to be the one not needed. not thought about.
i am struggling with the fact that i am struggling.
i am bothered by the relevance i give to people.
i am bothered by the fact that i haven't gotten over some things.
i am not good at forgiving.
this is one of the few times i have said that outloud.
i am not good at forgiving.
i want to be.
it's easy for me to never need to speak to someone
whom i gave so much of my love and time and self too.
it is not easy for me to be the person someone else
never needs to speak to.
i'm the one.
i think of what we went through.
those things still hold meaning for me.
when i said the things i said, i meant them.
and it hurts to be the one on the opposite side of things.
how can they not think of me?
how can they not wonder how i'm doing?
how can they not miss speaking to me?
was i really that terrible?
am i so easy to forget?
i don't like being on this side of things.
i don't like realizing what it feels like.

i want to believe i haven't gotten over this because there is no one else to focus on.
but it's been 3 years. 3 years. that's a long time. a long time to still care. i'm an idiot. an idiot for still wishing those things were true. wishing a man would feel those things about me. a dunce. and a fool for wishing them from such a walking disaster of a boy. God's plans are better than mine, and this is no different. it just hurts. it hurts my pride that that is my last point of reference. it hurts my heart to still care about something so seemingly foolish. it honestly hurts. and the letdown of man is repeated.

it's easy to forget.
i'ts not east to be forgotten.

.to whom i love.

if and when i meet you
i pray you'll notice my fingerprints, as i will have memorized yours.
i need you to love God more than me.
for i want to be in a romance with the Maker of it.
i hope you love me differently than anyone you've ever loved.
because i'm different than anyone you've ever met.
please be patient and kind with me.
i know i lack the gentleness that a typical woman should posses
but that doesn't mean i don't need it.
if you can't figure me out every day, that's okay just know this;
i love paint, songs that mean everything or nothing,
i notice the little things, id do anything for my friends,
i need to cry, sometimes i have no clue what i feel,
and i need you to make me believe that you love me.
i pray that you are a man of God,
a version of which i've never met.
please try not to be mean to me.
i'm trying to learn how not to be mean to you before i meet you.
i'm trying to learn not to say things out of pure emotional response.
i'm trying to learn how best to love you.
please forgive me for all i have done and will do.
i think how best to love you is to love God.
i pray that you are a man of the Lord who never
intentionally be littles me or hurts my feelings.
when i make the commitment to give my heart to you
and share my life with you forever i am also
committing to sacrifice for you, even though i'm currently not good at that.
i will fight for you, this i promise.
i'm tired.
i'm glad you're not here yet.
i'm not ready.
if youre here right now
please forget everything you've seen
and come back later.
and if you never come...
it's alright.
i'll love our Maker.

.same love.

just watched a documentary on Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis.
important things are always happening.
i tend to forget about it. how
something beautiful and important is always happening.
for people on different levels...
for ourselves, our communities, our world.
and i'm thankful for that.

"when i was at church they taught me something else. if you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed. that holy water that you soak in had been poisoned  when everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless rather than fighting for humans that have has their rights stolen. i might not be the same. but that's not important. no freedom till we're equal. damn right i support it."

and thankful for this.
so thankful.