.sounds like hallelujah.

I was just browsing through some of Lautrec's works- because I miss art and art history and then i decided to look up his biogrophy- because artists tend to have some of the most interesting life stories and it turns out he was friends with Van Gogh- oh my soul. I didn't expect to find such a delightful fact- but I guess I've forgotten that starving artists or artists in general gravitate towards each other, especially in the 1880s in France where the Bohemian lifestyle flourished. Van Gogh holds a special piece of my heart due to his story and similar struggles but his pieces never hit me between the eyes- Lautrec's subject matter is much more fascinating to me- he painted prostitutes at a time when he was swimming in a sea full of artists who painted landscapes. And his story is another artist's life.

My mom just called and we had a 20 minute conversation about Lautrec and art and how your short comings can really be a path to your strengths- in the sense of Lautrec and most artists and their battles. This whole thing was so unexpected and welcomed.

i wouldn't say I'm close to either one of my parents.
but I would say that the most moving conversations (there have been 3) that I've had with my mother in all of my 21 years -have been focused on art.
creating something seems so natural.
so vital to life.
i don't know if that was instilled in me by my parents
or by my Heavenly Father.
but either way- it's nice to find one piece of common ground to stand on with her.
to stand on this piece with her and look up at our God.
to connect - even if just for a few moments - in sitting back and appreciating diversity and allowing ourselves to remain in wonder
of something rare and full of life for as long as it lasts.
it feels so good to hear her speak
about something she has obviously been in love with forever.
to hear her words bend and shape
into sentences holding information as if it were fresh water-
i long to see and hear my mother like that every day.
it feels like for the first time- she's teaching me something.

when she speaks like this i imagine that this is the real person
this is the woman, my mother, that i would've met
if I time traveled back to her college days.
i imagine this is the girl I would've become friends with.
this is the Anna I would've sat next to in Drawing 101 - and fallen in love with her loudness and long blond hair and short skirts and bright blue eyes
made to look for the beauty in almost everything.
this is the girl so passionate and unsure and alive- before the rest of her life happened.
my mother has been all over world- with out me of course.
and do you know what she does in each city?
she goes to art museums. And she always sends me a post card.
i haven't realized it ever- until this exact moment...
but this is how my God loves me-
He gives me a Mother who loves me and she loves me by loving art.

and sends me a postcard.

and I couldn't ask for more right now, I couldn't ask for more.

.i've been sleepin in my bed.

found a song today.
this beautiful song.
that speaks of security and belonging.
and everything i long for.

i found myself today.
i watched one of the little boys i babysit, Josiah...
i watched him as he gave his Mom a hug and a few kisses
before she left.
then when he heard her leaving he ran to her
and did it again.
he wanted to give her more hugs and sticky kisses.
when i looked at him i saw myself.
everything about it.
it was insane.
it's me in every relationship.
it's the strangest thing.
when i tucked him in at night- i tucked myself in.
the tangible emotion in the air.
i'm a four year old who just wants to hug and kiss her mom forever.
i'm a kid who asks for you to lay next to him till you fall asleep.

where do i belong?
i can't be a four year old in a twenty-one year old body.
i can't keep wishing i could hug you and kiss you forever.
i can't keep wishing you'd lay down with me.

i really have been trying to do it right.
it's been lonely.
i do sleep alone in my bed.
that's one thing that's true.
it hurts.
no mom or dad to tell me how great i'm doing.
putting off the thoughts that i have to think
in the silent moments right before i fall asleep.
i hate nothing more.
i haven't allowed myself to enjoy the sweetness of life lately.
i really really want to.

.life lessons by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end withour delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.

blerf. blerf. blerf.

this is that.

the anticipating of the unknown.

except not the exciting kind.

this is the type of which Vanstone and Chardin speak.

the uneasy impatience.

it's not a very becoming color on me.

unsettled and uncomfortable with this inbetween.

i want to scratch my earth skin off.

i want to run away from myself.

and everything else.

the law of progress
that it is made by passing through
some states of instability —
and that it may take a very long time.

this couldn't be more funny.
i feel like people have been telling me that a lot lately.
i guess it just- rings true.

And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually — let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.


i've been known to take the seemingly easy way out.
to jump to conclusions
and make wild assumptions.
to dive headfirst into assholery.
and to feel first. think later.
what would happen if i just let everything simmer.
experienced things as they happened?
found some comfort in the ease and slowness of this process of maturity?
is that even possible?
i want to believe it is.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.


 that sentence is life giving.
life filling.
life multiplying.
i dont know how many more ways i could say that that sentence is packed full of life.
it;s like the writer spoke a tree into existance when he wrote that.
i could only hope that tree would come forth in me.
but i don't feel it.
maybe it isn't the right day.
or maybe im not trying hard enough, i'm not trying at all.
but if i was open to it... that sentence would wake my being.

Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,


I forget.
I don't.
And I really really should.
I really need to.
Do I want to?

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.


i wish i could express how that makes my stomache feel...
it's like leaning over a cliff in one of your dreams.
or the feeling you get in the moments before you reach the peak of a roller coaster.
 when you know you aren't going to like what you see in a second.


it's as if this writer knew me.
had studied me my entire life.
and decided to give me an honest life lesson.
he's cracking eggs of knowledge and i think i'm going to be sick.
i don't know what to do with this information.
how to process these words.
i don't even know if i'm capable at this juncture.
but i want to be- i really want to be.
that's just going to take a lot of courage.
and we all know i'm a tad short on that.

.intermediate stages.

"Above all, trust in the slow work of God

We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end withour delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of progress
that it is made by passing through
some states of instability —
and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually — let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and cirsumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete."

-Chardin from The Shiny Headed Prophet's Blog.