found a song today.
this beautiful song.
that speaks of security and belonging.
and everything i long for.
i found myself today.
i watched one of the little boys i babysit, Josiah...
i watched him as he gave his Mom a hug and a few kisses
before she left.
then when he heard her leaving he ran to her
and did it again.
he wanted to give her more hugs and sticky kisses.
when i looked at him i saw myself.
everything about it.
it was insane.
it's me in every relationship.
it's the strangest thing.
when i tucked him in at night- i tucked myself in.
the tangible emotion in the air.
i'm a four year old who just wants to hug and kiss her mom forever.
i'm a kid who asks for you to lay next to him till you fall asleep.
where do i belong?
i can't be a four year old in a twenty-one year old body.
i can't keep wishing i could hug you and kiss you forever.
i can't keep wishing you'd lay down with me.
i really have been trying to do it right.
it's been lonely.
i do sleep alone in my bed.
that's one thing that's true.
it hurts.
no mom or dad to tell me how great i'm doing.
putting off the thoughts that i have to think
in the silent moments right before i fall asleep.
i hate nothing more.
i haven't allowed myself to enjoy the sweetness of life lately.
i really really want to.