We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end withour delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
blerf. blerf. blerf.
this is that.
the anticipating of the unknown.
except not the exciting kind.
this is the type of which Vanstone and Chardin speak.
the uneasy impatience.
it's not a very becoming color on me.
unsettled and uncomfortable with this inbetween.
i want to scratch my earth skin off.
i want to run away from myself.
and everything else.
the law of progress
that it is made by passing through
some states of instability —
and that it may take a very long time.
this couldn't be more funny.
i feel like people have been telling me that a lot lately.
i guess it just- rings true.
And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually — let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
i've been known to take the seemingly easy way out.
to jump to conclusions
and make wild assumptions.
to dive headfirst into assholery.
and to feel first. think later.
what would happen if i just let everything simmer.
experienced things as they happened?
found some comfort in the ease and slowness of this process of maturity?
is that even possible?
i want to believe it is.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
that sentence is life giving.
life filling.
life multiplying.
i dont know how many more ways i could say that that sentence is packed full of life.
it;s like the writer spoke a tree into existance when he wrote that.
i could only hope that tree would come forth in me.
but i don't feel it.
maybe it isn't the right day.
or maybe im not trying hard enough, i'm not trying at all.
but if i was open to it... that sentence would wake my being.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
I forget.
I don't.
And I really really should.
I really need to.
Do I want to?
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
i wish i could express how that makes my stomache feel...
it's like leaning over a cliff in one of your dreams.
or the feeling you get in the moments before you reach the peak of a roller coaster.
when you know you aren't going to like what you see in a second.
it's as if this writer knew me.
had studied me my entire life.
and decided to give me an honest life lesson.
he's cracking eggs of knowledge and i think i'm going to be sick.
i don't know what to do with this information.
how to process these words.
i don't even know if i'm capable at this juncture.
but i want to be- i really want to be.
that's just going to take a lot of courage.
and we all know i'm a tad short on that.