.aghast.

aghast,
that you would show such little regard
for the safety of those who can not
defend or protect themselves.

aghast,
that you are in charge of the well being
of those who need protecting
yet you do not consider the weight
YOUR choices.

aghast,
that you said you had a "hard conversation"
and yet there is a predator lurking about
on YOUR watch.

if i have anything to do with this
i will speak my peace.
your utter lack of concern for
our students and flippant attitude towards
this situation is egregious
and if i were a parent
i wouldn't trust you with my child.

.always.

______________________________


i don't know
what i don't know.
but i know that I need you God.
i know that You provide
all there is to life.
i know that You are the Comforter.
You are All.
You are it.

You are all I want.

When it comes to my being.
my essence.
my central need.
it all boils down to You.

And this constant in itself
makes me feel less afraid.
I will always want You.
I will always want You.
I will always want You.
And you will never stop wanting me.



________________________________

broken.

it's been a week.
a week since.
it feels like a wound got reopened today.
the door swung wide open.
and you said nothing.
you gave nothing.
it was my fault for being so hasty.
not thinking of what this would do
to either of us.
do you hate me?
i'm broken.

i broke me.

.elastic heart.

___________________

i've yet to let myself really cry.
cry for the girl who just sold herself.
cry for the girl who just let go of something
she treasured.
i've yet to cry for the scared girl
who didn't know what she wanted anymore.
i don't know what she needs right now.
i don't know anything.

what pain is she in?
what space or time does she need?
what words would soothe her?

i'm coming up blank.




___________________

.nothing.

___________________

left all of my kindness and gentleness at the door.
stepped into a room full of darkness.
decided to decide nothing.



___________________

.did it count.

___________________

"i'm not playing games", he said.
but i was.

___________________

.it didn't happen.

___________________




i went with intention.
seeking to destroy something.
maybe myself.
showering
hoping something would come up.
asking Jesus to help before grabbing my purse.
hoping something would intervene.
moving forward, numbing the small voice of reason.
keys in the ignition.
moments of silence.
i don't remember any music playing.
an out.
i needed an out and i had one.
but i was stubborn.
determined to continue with my plan.
this was what i wanted, right?




___________________