Side effect: Extreme Nausea... Damn straight.

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there are two parts to tonight's story. one part is about vomit and one part is about fear.

i guess i’m never really in it alone. being bipolar has its ups and downs. (pun not intended). The positives mostly aire on the creative and energetic side while the negatives seem obvious. After being aware of my illness and seeking treatment for the last 8 years, i’ve become accustomed to some things. blood drawings, testing levels, check ins, new doctors, etc. but there’s always one thing that i’ve never been able to accept. one thing that still scares the living shit out of me. each time that i start a new medicine. the brave veneer is cracked repeatedly as I am reminded that this is not fixed. That my mental illness doesn’t just go away. That there is no cure. When things stop working or something goes wrong (suicidal thoughts, insomnia, sonia, dizziness, hair loss, etc.) I’m never ready for the next step. I’m never expecting the fear to rush in. What will this new pill do to me. It’s a rude awakening. Most of the time I can live my life numb to the fact that I’m irrevocably damaged - I can pretend that I’m normal. But on those days - when the words “we can try…” are said - it is an all to real shaking of the earth and a shocking reminder that this is not a movie - this is my life. I am mentally ill and I will remain that way until I die. This is not a fleeting issue - this is my obtuse reality. So there is the fear.


Here comes the vomit. I've been taking a new medicine since last week - an anti-psychotic which is being used to treat me as a mood stabilizer in tandem with my lamictal (another mood stabilizer). Today was my 7th day. So when I took my medicine tonight, too late after dinner - and I became immediately ill - I thought …wow it’s real. I felt alone but more sure of myself this time. Just throw up and get it out of your system. My roommate heard me. Shame and relief simultaneously announced themselves. I hate that when she asked what was wrong I had to tell her that it was my fault that I took the medicine too late and yet I felt relief that I wasn’t alone. that someone cared. She got me a drink of water as I threw up the rest of it. I’m used to throwing up. Pretty comfortable with it. I’d rather vomit than shit. But tonight I didn’t want to. I had spent 20 bucks on thai food with my friends. I didn’t want to waste it. But none the less, my absentmindedness made me purge. i didn’t even stick my fingers down my throat.They were right about the nausea. They were really right.


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