.A Sudden Stirring.

I can’t think.
I can’t think or read or speak when I’m not outside.
So I’m in the cemetery.
Saw a casket. They’re bigger in real life than I would think.

God’s been changing my heart. Working on it. Stirring it.
And not allowing me to ignore it.

What does He want? What does He need from me? Lately it’s been so many things on so many levels.

Freedom.
Death and decay.
Education.
Refuge.
Life.
Expectations.
Pride.

But first let us start with Aung San Suu Kyi.
My Mama is ill and weak and can’t get out of bed.
So I go read to her every week.
The book this 82 year old Jesus loving woman 

chose is “Freedom from Fear” by Aung San Suu Kyi.
If this name is unfamiliar to you- please familiarize yourself.
She is important, a human rights activist, 

and an ambassador for democracy, unity, and peace.
I got the opportunity to go see Aung San Suu Kyi speak in Fort Wayne during her U.S. tour after being finally released from house arrest.

I was in a coliseum filled with mostly Burmese refugees or immigrants and I was so blessed and so thankful to be able to have the chance to listen to her perspectives, see her personality, and learn from her. She spoke in Burmese and greeted her fellow Burmese people. There were Buddhist Monks and Muslims and even classrooms full of kids. It was freaking awesome. I got to share the whole experience with my best friend Taylor and we sat in awe as we watched all the different people clap and laugh and cheer.

 I will never forget that day. I will never forget that she spoke about the importance of education for all of the refugees. That the United States best gift was education and we should take advantage of that if we are going to further ourselves. She talked about how Burma is like no other country. How she hopes one day everyone can come back if they’d like. How the most important characteristic a leader should possess is honesty. How they have not yet reached democracy but this is the first step. A person asked how Americans could help and she answered by telling people about the situation in Burma and by being aware. She is in the same realm as Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr., and Gandhi and it was easy to see that when she spoke so eloquently and passionately. Someone else asked her how she fell into politics- and she stated that she wasn’t forced into politics- she chose into it because she felt like it was the right thing to do and she still thinks it is.

Sometimes I stand in utter confusion of how people are the way they are.
Of how God made them.
If it was all Him, or their circumstances, or their personality, or what.
How do they have so much resolve?
How are they 100% committed?
How did they pick just one thing?

I don’t want to lead a small life.
I don’t want to be some great figure head or Abraham Lincoln or anyone else for that matter.
I want to be me but I don’t know what that’s like.
I admire these people who fought and persevered only because they believed in justice and did what they thought was right.

Do I have that resolve?
Do I believe enough in something to go balls to the wall?
Can I immerse myself in the fight for justice and truth?

I have no freaking idea.

The crazy thing is that there are tons of tiny MLKs running on this earth standing up for what they believe in and we have no clue about it. Little baby Pauls spreading the gospel as far as their pocket change will get them. There are people affecting the lives of others around them like little Mother Ts. They get no credit and no memorial but they do it anyway.

I think that’s the kind of person I want to be.
The faceless small doer in a sea of other faceless small doers.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the most selfish and prideful part of me  yearns for recognition.
And I want that part of me to die so that God can be recognized inside of me.
Can all of these blessings and talents He’s given me point people to Him instead of me?
Please.
Even as I say that I feel weak.
I want the pat on the back. I want to feel good and beautiful and loved and cared about. I want people to tell me how caring and loving I am. But no- I don’t need it. I know all of that already.
My God has made me beautiful and loves me. I love and care because of Him only.
I want to glorify and honor Him by doing the things I love and loving the people He does.
I don’t want to get caught up in my own pride. So now I pray that He will humble me.
Let me know that I am worthy but keep me aware that God is the greatest.

It isn’t a small life just because it won’t be remembered.
And I want to live life for God and not for approval.

This started out as a blog post about what God has been stirring up in me.
Little did I know that this was the answer.
Honestly I had no clue.

I was going to talk about how recently He’s shown me how blessed I am to have the opportunity to have an education and how I should fight for that. That I should also fight for my brothers and sisters who want that opportunity and should be given that right. I was also going to talk about how I recently feel like I want to teach English to refugees. I want to help Refugees assimilate in any way that I can and I know how freaking terrifying and lonely it can be to live in a place where you don’t speak the language. I want to love them in this way. So I’ve been looking into TESOL courses and also The Exodus Refugee thing in Indy is a non-profit that I’m looking into.

So here I am.
Confused at how I ended up talking about how prideful I am and how much I want to only care about what God thinks of me.

But I’m glad I did because it’s true.
And that’s that, I suppose.