poison oak

loneliness seeps into my veins. pumping through my bloodstream. taking over every ounce of my body. i find it doesn't matter what time of day, it occurs when it sees fit. when i lose track. or when i'm on track. when i'm with people. or without. when i have words. and when i have none. the loneliness gradually has possessed as much of me as i will allow.

i want a new life. a new life where i don't prostitute myself- aching for love. the world knows who i am. i have no secrets of my own. if you put all the people together in my life at my memorial- they could tell you everything i've ever thought or done. every shameful action, every beautiful moment, every wound, every blessing. They could piece together my face with my own words- and by the end of the hour every person have me figured out. I have kept nothing for myself. I have nothing of my own. i have given away every piece of me. And i have nothing to show for it. every part of my heart i have eagerly forfeited. everything i have been given- i have given away.

who has kept it kindly?

who has protected it?

who has guarded it?

i haven't. 

i want them back. i want them all back now.

i wanted you to love me. 

all of you. 

i wanted you to know me.

i wanted you to know me and love me.

i wanted to be known fully. but you can't. you can never know me fully.

i'll always feel alone.

a friend once told me...

"it's lonely to be brilliant"

and i always have been

and i always will be

lonely.

but it won't burry me.

i have yet to appreciate the mystery of this life. 

i have yet to bask in the warmth of it.

but one day i will.

and you will have no clue about it.

until much much later.