.damn, michael buble'.

.tonight.

.i danced in one of the top rows of the movie theater, with one of my best friends/soon to be former roomates, as we laughed and twirled each other and giggled and michael buble' serenaded us through the ending credits.

.a good memory indeed.

.words remain.

a frustrated woman, an understatement.
things are getting away from me these days.
slipping through the cracks.
self sabotage in many forms.
ultimately i am a wreck.
i am crying out.
i am screaming for someone to understand.
understand that things still hurt.
it is easy for me to write people off.
it is harder for me to be the one written off.
to be the one forgotten.
to be the one not needed. not thought about.
i am struggling with the fact that i am struggling.
i am bothered by the relevance i give to people.
i am bothered by the fact that i haven't gotten over some things.
i am not good at forgiving.
this is one of the few times i have said that outloud.
i am not good at forgiving.
i want to be.
it's easy for me to never need to speak to someone
whom i gave so much of my love and time and self too.
it is not easy for me to be the person someone else
never needs to speak to.
i'm the one.
i think of what we went through.
those things still hold meaning for me.
when i said the things i said, i meant them.
and it hurts to be the one on the opposite side of things.
how can they not think of me?
how can they not wonder how i'm doing?
how can they not miss speaking to me?
was i really that terrible?
am i so easy to forget?
i don't like being on this side of things.
i don't like realizing what it feels like.

i want to believe i haven't gotten over this because there is no one else to focus on.
but it's been 3 years. 3 years. that's a long time. a long time to still care. i'm an idiot. an idiot for still wishing those things were true. wishing a man would feel those things about me. a dunce. and a fool for wishing them from such a walking disaster of a boy. God's plans are better than mine, and this is no different. it just hurts. it hurts my pride that that is my last point of reference. it hurts my heart to still care about something so seemingly foolish. it honestly hurts. and the letdown of man is repeated.

it's easy to forget.
i'ts not east to be forgotten.

.to whom i love.

if and when i meet you
i pray you'll notice my fingerprints, as i will have memorized yours.
i need you to love God more than me.
for i want to be in a romance with the Maker of it.
i hope you love me differently than anyone you've ever loved.
because i'm different than anyone you've ever met.
please be patient and kind with me.
i know i lack the gentleness that a typical woman should posses
but that doesn't mean i don't need it.
if you can't figure me out every day, that's okay just know this;
i love paint, songs that mean everything or nothing,
i notice the little things, id do anything for my friends,
i need to cry, sometimes i have no clue what i feel,
and i need you to make me believe that you love me.
i pray that you are a man of God,
a version of which i've never met.
please try not to be mean to me.
i'm trying to learn how not to be mean to you before i meet you.
i'm trying to learn not to say things out of pure emotional response.
i'm trying to learn how best to love you.
please forgive me for all i have done and will do.
i think how best to love you is to love God.
i pray that you are a man of the Lord who never
intentionally be littles me or hurts my feelings.
when i make the commitment to give my heart to you
and share my life with you forever i am also
committing to sacrifice for you, even though i'm currently not good at that.
i will fight for you, this i promise.
i'm tired.
i'm glad you're not here yet.
i'm not ready.
if youre here right now
please forget everything you've seen
and come back later.
and if you never come...
it's alright.
i'll love our Maker.

.same love.

just watched a documentary on Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis.
important things are always happening.
i tend to forget about it. how
something beautiful and important is always happening.
for people on different levels...
for ourselves, our communities, our world.
and i'm thankful for that.

"when i was at church they taught me something else. if you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed. that holy water that you soak in had been poisoned  when everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless rather than fighting for humans that have has their rights stolen. i might not be the same. but that's not important. no freedom till we're equal. damn right i support it."

and thankful for this.
so thankful.

.ode to sleep.

.i'll stay awake.
.cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight.


.i have so much to say.
.unexpected and beautiful wonderful things have happened.
so... here's the story.

my roommate and best friend katelynn was going to some concert last friday. the person she was going with had to bail so she asked me to come because she had already bought the tickets and she needed someone to drive theses two random girls and her to indy. so i said- of course. i knew how much this concert meant to her, and i knew she didn't want to go alone. so off we were. i spent 10 bucks to go sit in the amazing chill section with all of the 50 year old men. the first band was horrible. i laughed so hard that i had to move the back because i didn't want to be rude. then the second band was way better. as soon as the opening bands got done i went to go find katelynn and ended up being super close to the stage and next to her. then... they came on stage... INSANE. not an understatement. i had no clue what i was walking into but as soon as they came on stage- my night was made. it was incredible. i couldn't stop smiling.

.why am i not scared in the morning,
.i don't hear those voices callin.
.i must have kicked them out.
.i must have kicked them out.

i've never been to a concert where i had no clue what was going to happen next. ive never been to a concert where i didn't know any of the words and it didn't matter because i felt it in my gut. i've never been to a concert where i just looked over at my best friend and cried because of the perfection of the moment. i've never been NOT star struck or fan girly about musicians that i wholly approve of. i've never been the one to deny a hug ever. everything i'm saying is an UNDERSTATEMENT. there is no way that anyone can fully understand what took place- i don't know why i'm trying. i just guess i want to testify or something. haaa. but seriously. I WANT TO TESTIFY.

i swear i heard demons yelling
those crazy words they were spelling
they told me i was wrong.
they told me i was gone.

worship. it's just worship. and the crazy thing is that not all of us will get to experience that devine freaking moment that God set up specifically for me and who knows how many others. but there's something about writing it down. reminding myself it's real. it would still be real if i didn't tell you. but... i wanted to.

but ill tell them
why won't you let me go?
do i threaten all your plans?
i'm insignificant.
please tell them
you have no plans for me.

im in love with a God who is in love with His children so much that He created them so full of talent and passion and ambition that He uses them to spark the other ones. to set the others on fire.
this was one of those instances. and i couldnt be more thankful.

i will set my soul on fire.
what have i become?

.singing songs that nobody wrote.

.i don't know why i feed on emotion, the stomach inside my brain.

an experience of which i have nothing to compare it to.
these people. they feel.
they are real people.
just people.
they love.
they're fearful.
they're excited.
they're broken.
they're encouraging.
they're inspired.
they're brave.
they're goofy.
they're creative.
they're... blessed.

.i don't want to be heard. i want to be listened to.

i didn't want to be hugged.
i just wanted to express my amazement.
so easy to see my Love in that night.

.does it bother anyone else that someone else has your name.

i left that show.
speaking of our God.
staying up till 7 am speaking and thinking
deciphering.
my only keepsake- my burning calves the next day.
thankful for the pain that was a reminder of being alive.

.i scream.
.you scream.
.we all scream.
.cause we're all terrified.
.of whats around the corner.

alive.

.we stay in place cause we don't wanna lose our lives.

that's what that was.
alive.

.so lets think of something better.

if i could say nothing.
i could say i was alive.
they are alive.
we were all alive together.

.down in the forest we'll sing a chorus.
.one that everybody knows.

i went expecting nothing.
and was blown away.

.hands held higher- we'll be on fire.

my God orchestrated the most perfect
seemingly random night.
full of surprises He is.
glorious surprises.
that night can only be chalked up to Him.
and I'm so excited and thankful for what that will mean for me.
for what is to come from this.

.singing songs that nobody wrote.

im still deciphering.

.airport people, they come and go.

There are 4 children sitting behind me as we wait at out gate. All you can hear are giggles and joyful laughter. It's a far cry from the book section in the airport - everyone silently perusing the bindings and touching which ever cover strikes them. These laughing children and those deathly quiet adults seem to have something in common... they all want to be captivated by something, taken over by a laugh or an idea or a thought. They all want to be entertained. I don't remember ever being easily entertained but I do remember searching the bookshelves for anything to take me away. To take me somewhere, anywhere. To understand me or move me. I felt that as we all stood in front of these walls of books. Knowing that most of us aren't going to buy a super expensive book unless we need it to keep us sane on the long flights to and fro. I wanted to own every book i read the back of. top sellers and not top sellers. i wanted them all. i wanted the time to read them. i wanted the energy to read them. the excitement to live through them and tell people all about them. i feel like all of that makes sense. i don't remember being a little kid too often- but i imagine it's what i feel like when i'm surrounded by tons of unread books.