.trying something new.

I can not fully comprehend what is going on in my life currently.
Somehow the certain sense of chaos that has been my lifeblood up until this point
has been removed and strange level of safety has replaced it.
An unforeseen literary twist in the story of my life.
My narrative of adventure, travel, and extremes turning into
A tale about a girl coming of age.
Surprisingly never boring. Never dull.
But less alone.
More bold.
More confident.
Assured that this matters.

Stepping into the shoes she has been too afraid to soil.

Growing into the name she has heard whisper of.

Moments and glimpses of the voice she has been given.
Of the brilliance she fears may be inside of me.

Be brave, she tells herself.
Be brave.

Emboldened now.

Always being hit by the next wave of life-
Beginning to realize that that will never change.
But starting to swim instead of just trying to keep her head above water.

She wants more than just to survive.
She wants to be alert in the reality of her Maker.

"What are we doing?" she asks.
Trying something new.

.in your alchemy.

A prayer through song
A truth sought and found.


i have an aversion twards the music in the american contemporary church.
the lack of words that convey the depth to which i long, feel, and am desperate for Him.
the lack of words in those songs that catch me where i am and say more perfectly
than i could- how I need and love this incredible God.
i own not a single "worship" cd- but when i want to worship in my car i listen to josh garrels, mumford, manchester, jon foreman, rk, or dcb on the rare ocaision.
it is a beautiful and difficult thing for me to find the perfect song that relays the passion i have for Him at weight that my words need to have.

saturday morning my friend fab wanted dougnuts- so we got in her cougar and drove to marsh down the street- and she turned on the worship cd her boyfriend had made her. as soon as she prefaced it- my opinion was made up... "worship" cd... how "sweet". but it was more. this song came on.
this song was number one.

and it stole me away.

this song is exactly the worship i have right now.
just a prayer. the only prayer in me. from me. as of late.

and so i've found one.
another rare and perfect song for my heart to sing to my Lord.
another song that reaches deep  to deep.

.i'll wait.

i feel like i am looking up from underneath the tidal waves.
waiting to be pulled deeper.
all i see is pain.
when does Jesus' love start to count?
when does it make up for anything?

what do i want?

I want Him to say it to my face.
If You're the great and powerful and mighty God that I've  been worshiping-
You can do anything you want.

SO TELL ME.
speak to me, i beg of you.
save me.
If you love me- come save me.

Hold me tonight.
I want to feel your breath on my neck.





If you're so real- come be real to me.


If You love me- make me feel it.
i want to feel it.
Show me Your heart for me.

Touch me.
I have loved You.
I'll wait.

(i know that this is horrible. that i would so boldly ask You the Lord God of gods- King of Kings- that I would so stupidly and selfishly demand something more than you have already given me- which is abundant life, but if I'm being honest...right now I don't care. i come to you like all of the blind ancestors before me and i ask you to make an exception to the rule. i ask you to come lay with me. i need you now. i need you to be here now. i am a poor excuse for a servant- a dog laying at your feet and i plead with you to make yourself real to me- for i am at a loss. i apologize for being so... ungrateful, i just really need you to hug me.)

.tell Him.

no one is going to come and save me.
this i am more than aware of.
if He is in me shouldn't i be full of joy? peace? kindness? anything of that sort.
shouldn't i be filled with life?
love?
maybe I have never loved You.
but i had no doubts until today.
would i be so alone- so unlovely if you were in me?
if I loved you- wouldn't i believe that I'll make it through tomorrow.
wouldn't I believe?
if to love you is to suffer- maybe i should've been a Buddhist or something..
my pain tolerance is subpar


i can be in a room with anyone i love and
i can give nothing.
i have nothing.
i can give them no smile or hug or word or laugh that will be honest.
because if i'm being honest...
this didn't end after 4 days at the anderson center and a new medication.
this didn't end after a couple days off work.
it lingers.
i have nothing to give.


i don't know how to get out of this.
it's not like anyone thinks.
my friend took me to lunch today.
she sat and spoke.
and i loved that it wasnt a one way conversation.
she always has more going on then she speaks.
she explained things- she explained that she didn't know.
and she asked me a question that i didn't know how to answer.
but when my rambling concluded- this is what it boiled down to...

i'm so sad.
deeply. deeply...
it feels like God can't even fill this void, where-ever He is (right here, i'm sure).
and I can't make anyone feel good- not genuinely.
i can't love anyone with Christ's love right now.
i've got nothing.

don't tell me.

This is okay.
It'll be okay.
God must really have big things planned.

don't tell me.
don't tell me anything.
tell Him to be here.
tell Him to rescue me, if He will.
tell Him to come say it to my face.

ID LIKE TO FEEL HIS LOVE.
don't tell me.
tell Him..

.i don't care- i just need you here.

when did i lose myself again?
when did my head go under water?
when did i let it overtake me?

i'm not treading.
i'm fully submerged.

i'm alone.

"and ill stand up- and i keep my mouth shut"

i don't believe it.
i don't believe He loves me.
i don't believe He is here.
Where are you.
Where is He?
You tell me He is in me and around me.
You're right, my head knows it.
You're right- i've felt it before.
He doesn't seem good anymore.
He doesn't seem good.
And i seem alone.

Everything is wrong.
Don't ask me what I want.
Don't ask me what I need.

I don't care. I just need Him here.

I'd like a week of sleep.
Then to wake up on an Island with Jesus and have Him hold me as I weep.
I try to push it away.
Laugh with my friends.
Smile.
How are you? I'm good. How are you?
How are you doing? Fine. How are you?
Try harder. Try harder.
This is when I run.
This is when i run.
Come find me God.
I don't care- I just need you here.
I can't think past this night- tomorrow overwhelms me.



You can't understand.
And neither can I.
There's something that happens in any other place.

.deluded.

Most days if I could excommunicate this girl I would.
so deeply entangled in the lie that is her reality.
some part of her can give contentment to others, she decieves herself.
some part of her has something to offer, her existence is tragic.
but part of me is fearful that I wouldn’t do it,

i wouldn’t shut her out if given the opportunity

she sucks up all the air in the room.
any emotion felt is expanded upon and ballooned into some distorted veracity.
so much a part of myself-
 to kill her would either snuff out my boldness or drop the bottom out of my insecurity.
my lack of bravery is an odd way to represent us both. 

im terrified that without her delusion-

i'd be potent.

.you fell out.

people call her ophilia,
because that's her name.
they like to say her hair is golden
or honey colored
but she knows just as well
.it's the equivalent of rust.
she steps into rooms
quietly acknowledging the loudness inside of her.
there is no hesitation when it comes to her spirit.
she refuses to be afraid of the roar she inheretly posses,
she gave up apologizing for it years ago.
Alone- she revels in solitude. devouring blank pages, canvases, sound waves.
Together- she adores soaking up those around her.
Not allowing them to sink in- but soak.