.wanted nothing.

___________________________________

I stared at Him. and I didn't want to move.
I never wanted to move again.
 I never wanted to breathe again.
I wanted to remain in this moment.
I wanted nothing.
The rumblings began.
And I sat. Believing that if I didn't speak -
somehow it wouldn't change.
That I could remember.
Remember something about Him.
Memorize His face.
Feel it in my chest. Feel His hand on my mouth.
_____________________________________

.abruptly.

____________________________

forgave.
promised me.
showed up.

i've been asking
to be spoken to every now and then.
and it happened. Abruptly.
sat me down.
told me all of the things
i never wanted to hear.
everything that I was afraid of.
all of it.
was beautiful.
___________________________

.louder.

____________________________________



He didn't need. Said things again. The same.
Louder. More direct.


____________________________________

.in.

________________________


In another breath I looked up.
He was on the sheets of paper.
I looked into Him.
He spoke.

_______________________

.the drop.

______________________

The drop began
when I sat in the seat.

"She would've loved this.
She, the reason for my heart
and my existence,
 would've loved
this.
But She was with Him
now and that's all
she ever wanted.
This was better
 for her.
This was better",
I told myself.
Better for her.

But there I sat,
the short one
 at the table.
Staring into the face
that I'd been shielding
myself from.
As I sat, I waited

_____________________

.cover and pry.

__________________________


When he said the word "silent"
I felt my chest concave.
God was going to make me see.
To cover my mouth with his hand.
To pry my eyes open.
Force me to look at Him.

_________________________

.piano bench, folding chair, ottoman.

____________________________________________________________



As soon as I stepped in- I knew that there was no place for me there.
That if they asked me to come sit at the table they would have to
pull up a piano bench, a folding chair, or an ottoman that was loud and wobbly.
I'd sit lower than every one else. With every breath the sound of the
chair would be excruciating in the midst of any and all conversation.
I thought nothing could penetrate me anymore.


____________________________________________________________