.abruptly.

____________________________

forgave.
promised me.
showed up.

i've been asking
to be spoken to every now and then.
and it happened. Abruptly.
sat me down.
told me all of the things
i never wanted to hear.
everything that I was afraid of.
all of it.
was beautiful.
___________________________

.louder.

____________________________________



He didn't need. Said things again. The same.
Louder. More direct.


____________________________________

.in.

________________________


In another breath I looked up.
He was on the sheets of paper.
I looked into Him.
He spoke.

_______________________

.the drop.

______________________

The drop began
when I sat in the seat.

"She would've loved this.
She, the reason for my heart
and my existence,
 would've loved
this.
But She was with Him
now and that's all
she ever wanted.
This was better
 for her.
This was better",
I told myself.
Better for her.

But there I sat,
the short one
 at the table.
Staring into the face
that I'd been shielding
myself from.
As I sat, I waited

_____________________

.cover and pry.

__________________________


When he said the word "silent"
I felt my chest concave.
God was going to make me see.
To cover my mouth with his hand.
To pry my eyes open.
Force me to look at Him.

_________________________

.piano bench, folding chair, ottoman.

____________________________________________________________



As soon as I stepped in- I knew that there was no place for me there.
That if they asked me to come sit at the table they would have to
pull up a piano bench, a folding chair, or an ottoman that was loud and wobbly.
I'd sit lower than every one else. With every breath the sound of the
chair would be excruciating in the midst of any and all conversation.
I thought nothing could penetrate me anymore.


____________________________________________________________

.a few years make a difference.

once a boy told me something i didn't like.
at the time i raged against the notion.
but here i sit
4 years later and i can safely say that one thing is true.

a few years make a difference.

and the hope that those words now bring
is entirely unexpected.

the people, places, and the very things
that once brought me comfort - now bring me none.
and the textures, sounds, and faces that
bring me pleasure today
- will not, this same time next year.

a woman once told me
that our lives are the Gospel being played over and over again.

i sit. here. and it does ring true.
my condensed version of the gospel on loop:

sin. birth. life. death. mourning. resurrection. sin. birth. life. death. mourning. resurrection.
sin. birth. life. death. mourning. resurrection. sin. birth. life. death. mourning. resurrection.

those are seemingly the bullet points.
strange as it may be
 each word holds the exact amount of weight that i think it should.

sin - the heavy and thick amount of disgust for myself or anyone else.
birth - the beginning of something new that i crave and long for.
life - the in-between which can be made up of special moments or horrible ones.
death - the moment that assuredly comes, as i fight tooth and nail against it to prolong the inevitable
mourning - i somehow stretch theses three days into years of lamenting
resurrection - the part that i most look forward to and simultaneously hope will never come

i guess God is teaching me something new.
and i'm actually learning it.
where i am today will change
regardless of me
throwing myself into something new,
running away from anything ,
or searching for some infinite adventure.
it will all change.
and that is the biggest comfort of all.
all of my relationships will not be the same or even in tact next year.
i will not be stuck in one place forever, it is not possible.
there is enough for me and there always will be.

a few years make a difference.
it is true.
and while i look forward to what the next few years have to offer
i'll be damned if i keep living for the future like i have been.