I’m not a good arguer.
And sometimes when things mean a lot to me I can’t adequately express myself
when speaking about what I accept as true. So I thought I’d write it down.
After all I fancy myself secretly as a bit of a writer. And thusly it begins-why
I believe what I believe about this subject.
My whole life I’ve grown up with people telling me what to think.
To a certain extent I assume we all do. Information from my environment going
in and out. Pieces of things I’ve heard. Lessons people have “taught” me. And
then at some point in my adolescence I came to this fork in the road.
Experiences begin to shape my viewpoint instead of hear say. Questioning things
instead of accepting information at point blank. A curiosity and sense of
responsibility began to build. A responsibility to search for truth. And to
speak it. It has materialized in different forms at different times (rebellion,
anti-establishment tendencies, non-traditional inclinations, etc.) but I
believe that once I work through that it always comes back down to the search
for truth. In every way this is about truth.
I’m a very emotional human being.
Everyone who knows me can attest.
But I am more than that.
I want God’s truth.
But I also love the mystery.
A strange combination indeed.
It’s hard for me to believe that there may be no right or
wrong answer even when I know that sometimes (and more often than I’d like)
that is the answer.
What I’m questioning today is what I think of the Bible.
What do I truly believe about it?
Today I thought about it long and hard. And came up with
this…
In a sentence- I believe that the Bible is God’s love story
of and for us, his children.
I was listening to a sermon this morning about how the words
“infallible” have only recently in the last century been used to describe the
Bible. And how men have arrogantly
and pridefully used the Bible to endorse slavery, to negate women’s rights, and
to speak against the civil rights movement (that’s only what we’ve done in the
last two-hundred years in America). The preacher this morning was a Southern
Baptist, which because I’m a jerk took my by surprise, and his message spoke of
how men contort and translate and interpret(on purpose or accidentally)the
Bible in so many ways without taking into account the historical context or
trying to educate themselves and attempt to dive deeper into the heart of God. That
men think that they know the mind of God and use it as a weapon to harm people.
His main point was that we are now doing the same thing to homosexuals. This is
a hot button issue for me. And I don’t want to talk about it. But I really
really do want to write about it.
- ·
My grandfather was bi-sexual and died of HIV
related complications, I never met him.
- ·
My friend in third grade told me she was
bi-sexual and I was really confused as to how she even knew that about herself.
- ·
In high school two of my best friends came out
to me.was in theater and all of my guy friends were wonderfully flamboyant.
- ·
After high school I made two knew best friends
who loved Jesus and later ended up falling in love with each other.
- ·
And I met my current best friend a year ago- and
he told me of his struggles with homosexuality.
- After meeting him I went on a walk with a friend
and really started to think about the amount of close friends that I have had
in my life who have been homosexuals, it seems like I attract a lot of
wonderful people, a lot of whom seem to have same sex attractions.
In high school I wrestled with the idea of what God thought
of it. My heart was broken for my beautiful friends who were terrified of what
their parents would say and how they would be treated by their friends not to
mention strangers. I was confused as how to treat them and how to love them in
the best way I could even though they were sinning., because that’s what I had
been unspokenly taught. I came to a new conclusion one day while reading my
Bible. I distinctly remember getting into the car with my father one brave
afternoon and saying “what do you think about gay people?” He told me of course
that it was unnatural and an abomination (people love that word) and I retorted
with my conclusion – “Dad, if all sins are equal then what’s the difference? We
sin all the time.” And I remember coming to a standstill and thankfully we had
arrived at our destination and didn’t have to talk about it any further. In the
same time period I asked my mother what she would do if I was a lesbian. And
she responded beautifully “I would pray for you and I would love you.” And that
is something that I love about my mom.
After high school- when my two friends fell in love with
each other I had to re-evaluate my stance on this subject yet again. When they
told all of their Christian friends that they were in love- almost every single
one of them exiled them. None of their secular friends gave a rat’s ass because
to them they were the same and all of these people who believed in Jesus
abandoned them. One of the girl’s parents kicked her out of the house and took
her off of the cell phone plan then stopped talking to her indefinitely. At the
time- I was surprised that they had fallen in love but came to the realization
that I didn’t care. I just liked them so I kept hanging out with them. On
nights when we would be driving together they would ask me questions such as
“What do you think Justine” and I would have to respond with “I don’t know. But
I know you love Jesus and I’m not worried about you- God loves you and
everything else is just semantics.” I tried to stay away from researching it.
They were so patient with me. They bought me books. And one time forced me to
watch a documentary. And invited me to any and all things LGBT and The Pride
Parade even though I would never attend. They shared their lives with me. And
all I asked was not to watch them kiss- I hate any form of PDA. Looking back on
it now I wasn’t a very good friend to them in that respect. I loved them very
much and I hated what everyone was doing to them. But I didn’t fight for them.
I cried for them and with them. But I didn’t feel their pain as it was my own. I
think I was afraid to believe in something so completely different than what
most of my brothers and sisters in Christ believe. I wasn’t up for opposing the
“Church” at this point in my life. I was afraid to actually try and find the
truth. I wanted not to know. But this in itself is a form of emotional
abandonment- to not be willing to make that journey fully with them, to choose
to be ignorant. I’m still friends with both of them but the wrecklessness of "Christians" is still an issue.
And then I met him. One fateful Sunday I was feeling
particularly weird at Church so I sat down next to a cute kid with a sweet
beanie on and asked him what his name was. Strangely it was the masculine
version of my own. And so it began. As soon as he spoke I knew he was gay and I
knew that I loved him. We sat for a second and I stared at the stupid screen
and told him how much I didn’t want to be there and asked if he wanted to get
out of there and talk. So we did. He told me about how fiery he was for
missions and how excited he was for life. How his old church was old and he
needed something new. He told me about all of the music he loved and I hated it
all immediately. He told me everything with such passion. I was immediately in
love with this kid.
We didn’t get to hang out much until months later when I
came back from the Ukraine but I don’t even remember how that happened- we
moved in together as room mates. And then we became better friends. And then we
became best friends. I just know that I had never met anyone like him. I had
never met a young man with such a pure heart. Such a kind and compassionate man
who loved God. I’ve never met a man who was never intentionally trying to hurt
me. I’ve never met someone who was so oblivious. I’ve never met someone who was
so patient. A young man with a heart after God’s heart. I don’t know how it was
different this time but it was.
I was ready to
really delve into things this time with God. To fight for the truth. I knew
that there was no possibility that God had made my friend like this for him to
feel like He was condemned. This time somehow it clicked. I know God. He’s not
like that. I know my God. He isn’t cruel. Right? He is good. Correct? He is
loving. Really? He is compassionate. Is He? And my God would never want his
children to feel ostracized and isolated. Am I right? He would never give His
bride permission to cast out the wounded other people. True? So I started
looking into the Bible. There are six verses in the entire Bible that speak
about homosexuality. So I watched more documentaries. So I listened to people
talk. So I read blogs. So I read books.
So I prayed. And then prayed. And kept praying. And what did I come up
with?
I know my God.
I feel it.
I believe it.
I researched it.
(Most importantly I feel it.)
And I know that His love for his children surpasses anything
that we can even fathom.
Do you believe that?
And I know that same sex attraction is not a sin.
I know that no one chooses it.
I am not gay.
I’ve been reminded.
But I ache in pain for my brothers and sisters who are and
who believe that they are fundamentally unnatural.
My heart is broken for God’s children who are told that they are made wrong.
Shame is not of God.
Do you agree?
I will no longer be afraid to say that I disagree with what
people interpret the Bible to say about homosexuality.
I also disagree with slavery, injustice twards women,
stoning people, and keeping ethnic groups segregated. You can’t accurately
interpret the Bible exactly.
It is living and it is mysterious.
I think we like to put God in a box.
But I’d like to say that God is bigger than the Bible.
I believe that my God is beautiful.
Jesus would be with and for the homosexuals today.
The strange thing is that I have no doubt.
My friend asked me… what if you’re wrong? If being gay is a
sin?
Nothing changes. God is good! Those who love him are saved.
He will always answer those who call on him. Always. Is this not true?
And I’m not wrong.
Let me say it one more time.
I’m not wrong.
Everyone has to figure things out on their own. Everyone has
to come to their own conclusion. The mystery is that there could be more than
one right answer.
This is mine.
I believe in the Bible.
I believe that as I grow to know Jesus more and see His face more and more that
He is so loving and patient and merciful and graceful and compassionate and
joyful.
Jesus is where it’s at.
I believe that the Bible speaks to that.
I don’t think He would tell anyone that they were excluded.
I would never hear Him say that someone wasn’t worthy of loving
and being loved by another human being. I would never hear Him say to those who
love Him that they are going to hell.
Not my Jesus.
I believe enough in the Bible to say that
It is God’s job to judge.
The Holy Spirit’s job to convict.
And my job to love, no matter how horrible I may be at it.
Amen and out.