identity.

if we only know half of where we came from
we only know half of who we are.

.every stone.

i have a lot to say.
i try to keep my mouth shut every day
afraid to trip someone up or slash someone's tires.
the power of the words that hide behind these lips
is no longer lost on me.
i know the damage they can do.
i know the pain these tiny words can cause.
help me.
help me to know how to use them.
help me craft them.
help me speak.

now.

i layed my blanket down
and slept ontop of your heart.
sweet dreams washed over me
as your beats came and went.

when i awoke you were gone.
now i am a refugee.

.apres moi.

________________________________________



there's a man i know who
i love like i've never loved before.
with him i am the best version
of myself.
i tell myself that if this ends
it will not destroy me.
it will not take me down.
i will keep on standing.
i will be strong and unyielding.
my health will not be affected
and my personal trajectory
will not be altered.
i tell myself
i will not lose it.
i will not break.
i will not be unequivocally hurt.
i'll make the most of it.

but if i'm being honest.
the pain that i will feel will be unmatched.
the hurt that will grasp me will be unfettered.
and i'll weep for years over this man.

yay, for honesty. i've finally felt love.





________________________________________

.the beauty of it all.

_______________________________________________





here i sit weeping.
i didn't know God loved me like this.
i didn't know life could be this beautiful.
everything isn't easy.
it's actually work.
but it's good hard work.
i'm so thankful.
so grateful that i get to even spend time with this human.
let alone get to learn how to love him.

i didn't know love like this existed.
the kind where a man would care about me so much.
where he would want to know what i think.
would get mad if i didn't share my thoughts.
would fight me on it.
and I'm so thankful.
he's the most incredible person.
he's dynamic and inventive.
kind and passionate.
hilarious and sweet.

i didn't know.
i always wished and hoped.
but i didn't know it would be better than my dreams.
because it's real.

so thank you.
Thank you God for this life.
Thank you God for this experience.
for this gift of love.
I want to take care of it.
To always be thankful.
Help me to remember when i forget.




_________________________________________________

.aghast.

aghast,
that you would show such little regard
for the safety of those who can not
defend or protect themselves.

aghast,
that you are in charge of the well being
of those who need protecting
yet you do not consider the weight
YOUR choices.

aghast,
that you said you had a "hard conversation"
and yet there is a predator lurking about
on YOUR watch.

if i have anything to do with this
i will speak my peace.
your utter lack of concern for
our students and flippant attitude towards
this situation is egregious
and if i were a parent
i wouldn't trust you with my child.

.always.

______________________________


i don't know
what i don't know.
but i know that I need you God.
i know that You provide
all there is to life.
i know that You are the Comforter.
You are All.
You are it.

You are all I want.

When it comes to my being.
my essence.
my central need.
it all boils down to You.

And this constant in itself
makes me feel less afraid.
I will always want You.
I will always want You.
I will always want You.
And you will never stop wanting me.



________________________________

broken.

it's been a week.
a week since.
it feels like a wound got reopened today.
the door swung wide open.
and you said nothing.
you gave nothing.
it was my fault for being so hasty.
not thinking of what this would do
to either of us.
do you hate me?
i'm broken.

i broke me.

.elastic heart.

___________________

i've yet to let myself really cry.
cry for the girl who just sold herself.
cry for the girl who just let go of something
she treasured.
i've yet to cry for the scared girl
who didn't know what she wanted anymore.
i don't know what she needs right now.
i don't know anything.

what pain is she in?
what space or time does she need?
what words would soothe her?

i'm coming up blank.




___________________

.nothing.

___________________

left all of my kindness and gentleness at the door.
stepped into a room full of darkness.
decided to decide nothing.



___________________

.did it count.

___________________

"i'm not playing games", he said.
but i was.

___________________

.it didn't happen.

___________________




i went with intention.
seeking to destroy something.
maybe myself.
showering
hoping something would come up.
asking Jesus to help before grabbing my purse.
hoping something would intervene.
moving forward, numbing the small voice of reason.
keys in the ignition.
moments of silence.
i don't remember any music playing.
an out.
i needed an out and i had one.
but i was stubborn.
determined to continue with my plan.
this was what i wanted, right?




___________________

.just one.

___________________



just one.
one choice can have an impact on the rest of your life.
how funny it is that one thing
can have such an effect on the future.
one pull of the trigger.
one word.
one move.
it can change things.




___________________

.better.

it's infuriating to put expectations on a human
who never asked for them in the first place.
to only want the best for a person.
to only want the best and expect the best.
i know i've failed when i feel this way.
failed to love correctly and fully without strings.
i hate failing.
it makes me wonder
why i try.

why do we try to love one another
when it's so flawed.
i want to apologize each time i let
someone down,
but it seems like there isn't enough
time, or air, or
there aren't enough words for
the apologies
that need to be given.

i don't know how to do this better.
i don't know how to practice anymore.

.better now.

___________________



bruised my palm
with urgency
as i wanted more
than was given.

poets,
i feel i know them
better now.
fearful,
i doubt i'll feel
the same way
tomorrow.



__________________

.here.

-------------------------------------------------------------



she was a total mess.
and thinking of the boy made her feel more crazy.
she didn't want to know what love was.
she wanted nothing else.
theres a moment,
a moment when you can feel the slightest shift
in a new relationship.
when one person pulls and the other stands still.
the loss of control feels like a tremor.
so she decided to sit.
sit on the edge and wait
for whatever tsunami or sinkhole would
swallow her up.
and her breathy prayer
to whomever would listen
was finally "i'm not going anywhere."
"i'm staying here."



-------------------------------------------------------------

.the odds.

__________________________________________________________________




i've been plagued by a lack of balanced perspective for as long as i can remember. retrospect seems to be the only method by which i can fully explore the extent of my rationale.

setting the scene:

one tiny house apartment. like 12 dudes and 4 girls, including me. 3 of said girls were in relationships.

excited to support my friend at his first stand-up house show gig, i came over immediately without changing. little did i know that the shirt i was wearing had a giant grease stain, the baggy jeans which were super comfortable had something weird going on with the crotch, the sloppy beanie only accentuated my unwashed hair and wrinkled cardigan. solid outfit choice for the night.

12 dudes.
the odds would be in my favor... if i was skinny.
but i'm not. 12 guys. 12 freaking guys and one single white female.
nothing.
granted - i did look ultra homeless.
but if i was skinny i could've had a bag over my head
and i still would've gotten some play.

retrospect is the only manner in which i can view this event
and retrospect sucks ass, yet its harsh truthiness is somewhat comforting.

being fat and trying to have a conversation with a 20 something boy in a band is like pulling teeth. i'm fucking awesome. i'm funny and nice. i'm smart and semi-kind and reasonably talented. but i am fat. i am fat. and this is something that the bass player was all to well aware of. the blank television screen seemed to be more interesting to him. it cracked me up as he reluctantly told me that he was going to be a missionary in Japan this summer. his lack of eye contact and general blasé' nature led me to believe that this young man, while looking stellar, was actually a complete shallow asshole. even though we had a lot in common, i sure as hell wasn't going to implore him to give a shit. holding my own information hostage, i laughed at his utter lack of interest in another human being. the laughter at his asshattery didn't amuse him.

another young man, reddish hair, wearing shorts on a freezing day, and texting while sitting alone on the couch laughed at a few of my words. seeing that he at least had the decency to be a real human being we continued talking. he told me he was "super single". this comment struck me. i'd never heard anyone describe the level of "single" they were before. that's when it hit me... if i was skinny - this would happen. i would go for it. my friend korie then chimed in "justine... you're super nothing. you don't date." or something to that affect. and she's right. on the single scale i am "super nothing." i'm fat. only other fat men even remotely acknowledge my existence. WHAT THE HELL

it occurred to me... this was a test. this specific night was a control group.
ratio of single men to women - and the answer was unanimous - justine is fat. no one is buying it.

i could've been have woman half horse and would've gotten more action than if i was fat.

it's like life says to fat women - may the odds be never in your favor.



__________________________________________________________________

Side effect: Extreme Nausea... Damn straight.

__________________________________________________________________


there are two parts to tonight's story. one part is about vomit and one part is about fear.

i guess i’m never really in it alone. being bipolar has its ups and downs. (pun not intended). The positives mostly aire on the creative and energetic side while the negatives seem obvious. After being aware of my illness and seeking treatment for the last 8 years, i’ve become accustomed to some things. blood drawings, testing levels, check ins, new doctors, etc. but there’s always one thing that i’ve never been able to accept. one thing that still scares the living shit out of me. each time that i start a new medicine. the brave veneer is cracked repeatedly as I am reminded that this is not fixed. That my mental illness doesn’t just go away. That there is no cure. When things stop working or something goes wrong (suicidal thoughts, insomnia, sonia, dizziness, hair loss, etc.) I’m never ready for the next step. I’m never expecting the fear to rush in. What will this new pill do to me. It’s a rude awakening. Most of the time I can live my life numb to the fact that I’m irrevocably damaged - I can pretend that I’m normal. But on those days - when the words “we can try…” are said - it is an all to real shaking of the earth and a shocking reminder that this is not a movie - this is my life. I am mentally ill and I will remain that way until I die. This is not a fleeting issue - this is my obtuse reality. So there is the fear.


Here comes the vomit. I've been taking a new medicine since last week - an anti-psychotic which is being used to treat me as a mood stabilizer in tandem with my lamictal (another mood stabilizer). Today was my 7th day. So when I took my medicine tonight, too late after dinner - and I became immediately ill - I thought …wow it’s real. I felt alone but more sure of myself this time. Just throw up and get it out of your system. My roommate heard me. Shame and relief simultaneously announced themselves. I hate that when she asked what was wrong I had to tell her that it was my fault that I took the medicine too late and yet I felt relief that I wasn’t alone. that someone cared. She got me a drink of water as I threw up the rest of it. I’m used to throwing up. Pretty comfortable with it. I’d rather vomit than shit. But tonight I didn’t want to. I had spent 20 bucks on thai food with my friends. I didn’t want to waste it. But none the less, my absentmindedness made me purge. i didn’t even stick my fingers down my throat.They were right about the nausea. They were really right.


__________________________________________________________________

common curse

_________________________________


i forget

how easily. 

this happens,

this limp.

self pity doesn't look good on anyone,

but it's my prettiest dress.

_________________________________

..

__________________________________


i didn't hear the knock.
holding my hands up to my ears.
the old friend came in anyway,
uninvited.
i thought i boarded up all the windows,
that i was prepared.

told me he was different.
how he had changed.

i look him in the face,
i see
what he has done.


i am not a saint.

he is no friend.

__________________________________